Francis/Quotes and Captions

A list of Francis' Quotes and cut quotes, also known as Captions in Left 4 Dead.

Intro

 * [ As Bill inspects the mysterious green goo ] "Jeez, don't let that stop you from smearing it all over yourself."
 * "Goddamn it Bill! Oh, it stinks!"
 * [ After Helping Bill up ] "Merry Christmas."
 * [ Waiting for the Tank to come around a corner ] "Come on. Come on!"

General

 * "Everybody havin' as much fun as me?"
 * "Killin' vampires looked easier in the brochure didn't it?"
 * "Watch your ass!"
 * "Any zombie fight you can crawl away from means you won it."
 * "Is anyone there? Marco!"
 * "We're almost there!"
 * [ Nervously humming ] "One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer...kill a zombie, chug it down, ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall. mmmm-mmm-mmmmm-mmninety-nine bottles of beer, kill another zombie..."
 * "Whoah. Nice shot."
 * "I hate lawyers. When are they gonna get done practicing law?"
 * "A-frickin'-men."
 * "Personally I'm happy to keep fighting, but YOU ladies might wanna lock the door!"
 * [ When everyone is in the safe room ] "Lock the goddamn door!" (Note: The captions say: "goddman")
 * [ Nearing a safe room ] "Safe house, let's go!
 * [ When arriving in a finale ] "We're almost there!"
 * "See, I told you I'd get us out of here!"
 * "Now, there's a sight for sore eyes, huh? Looks like we're gonna make it kids!"
 * "Hey, we're almost outta this shit-hole. I told you I'd get you outta here!"
 * "This way kids!"
 * "I'm comin' Bill, keep your beard on!"
 * "Most people do anything if a cop tells 'em to."
 * "If we meet anyone, tell 'em we're cops."
 * [ In response to a generic how long remark, generic ] "Long enough to know you have a pretty mouth."

The following are lines used on the PC "commands" and "responces" lists when (by default) typing Z or X.

"Yes" responses

 * "Roger that, good buddy."
 * "That sounds about right."

"No" responses

 * "No."
 * "No can do."
 * "No sir-ee bob"
 * "No way, Jose"
 * "Negatory"
 * "Hell No!"

"Arrgh" responces

 * "F-ing hell!"

"Wait" responses

 * "I'm tired of running from these pussies."

"Let's go" commands

 * "Let's go break stuff!"
 * "Let's go kill something!"
 * "Get your rear in gear!"
 * "HOLY SHIT! RUUUUUNNNN!"

"Lead on" commands

 * "I'll follow you."

"Look" commands

 * "Check this shit out.
 * "Well hell! Look at this!"
 * "What the hell is this?"

Health related

 * "Someone should use their health pack."
 * "Zoey, darlin', you should heal up."
 * "Bill, can I borrow your medkit? I just want to look at it."
 * "Louis, don't bogart that health kit, man. I'm hurt!
 * "Hey, little lady, if you ain't gonna use that health kit, could I use it?"
 * "Anyone have some first aid? I'm about to die!"
 * [ Inside safe-room ] "That old man wouldn't leave one of us out there."
 * [ After healing another Survivor ] "I told you I'd take care of you!"
 * "Yeah, I'm pretty awesome."
 * [ Upon being helped up after being incapacitated ] "Yeah... good thing I'm indestructible."
 * "Ugh... How's my face?"
 * "Shit! I hope I don't need all that blood."
 * [ On low health ] "I don't mean to sound like a... sissy, but... I'm pretty hurt."
 * "Ugh... this is starting to get to me."
 * "Even my ass hurts!"
 * "I feel like shit!"
 * "I'm feelin' pretty shitty... and a little woozy... Ugh... Well, the woozy's kinda fun."
 * "Uhh... I don't feel so good..."
 * "I ain't doin' so good..."
 * "Shit, this just hurts."
 * "I'm - pretty hosed."
 * "Ugh - killed by vampires, what a goddamned disgrace!"
 * "I've - I've felt better."
 * "Man... I feel like you guys look!"
 * "This is turning into one of those days."
 * "Hey Louis, you look like shit!"
 * [ Helping someone up ] "Get your ass up, let's go!"
 * [ When helping up an incapacitated Survivor ] "Come on, lazy. We can't have you laying around all day, we gotta get movin'. Here, lemme get you up."
 * [ When helping up an incapacitated Survivor on their last life ] "I can get you up, but oh shit, we gotta get you some first aid, cuz you go down like this again and it's over."
 * [ Grabbing pills ] "Hey, a little pick me up."
 * [ Giving pills away ] "Merry Christmas."
 * "Share the wealth, brother."
 * [ When healing himself ] "Watch my back! But don't stare at my ass."
 * [ If Bill dies ] "Goodbye old man..."
 * [ Upon seeing Bills body ] "Rest in peace, old man."
 * [ Upon seeing Louis body ] "The manager is down for the count."
 * "I was just starting to like that guy."
 * (sadly) "Damnit, he didn't deserve this..."
 * [ Upon seeing Zoey's body ] "Oh God, not Zoey."
 * [ If Louis is left incapacitated outside the safe room ] "We're just leaving Louis out there? I mean... I'm cool with that... if, everyone else is."
 * "We just leaving Louis out there?"
 * [ If Zoey is incapacitated outside a safe room and no one is helping her ] "We can not leave her out there!"
 * [ If Bill is incapacitated outside a safe room and no one is helping him ] "We just leavin' Bill out there?"
 * "He isn't going to make it on his own, we have to help him!"
 * "I guess we go on without Bill then?"
 * "So, we're just leavin' him out there?"
 * "That old man wouldn't leave one of us out there!"
 * [ If he is incapacitated outside safe room while everyone else is in ] "Get the hell outta there and HELP ME!"
 * "Are you gonna freaking help me?!"
 * "Yer going to leave me out here?"

Weapon related

 * [ Grabbing pipe bomb ] "Ha-ha, great! Home-made explosives."
 * "This'll blow some shit up."
 * [ Picking up shotgun] "Shotgun! Alright folks, I'm on crowd control."
 * "I'll take this room sweeper."
 * [ Upon picking up an auto shotgun or Submachine Gun ] "Heh, full auto. Everybody stand back."
 * Francis: "Groovy."
 * Zoey: [Imitation] "Groovy."


 * Francis: "Groovy."
 * Louis/Zoey: [Short laugh]
 * Francis: "What's so funny? It is groovy."


 * "Come to daddy, my sweet shotgun."
 * "Now this is a shotgun I can love."
 * "Huh! Now this shotgun is more my style."
 * [ Grabbing pistol ] "A little double pistol action."
 * "Double my fun."
 * "Two pistols... Hell yeah!"
 * [ Grabbing a hunting rifle ] "Now that is a sweet-ass scope."
 * [ Grabbing an assault rifle ] "This oughtta put the fear of God in 'em!"

Infected related

 * [ Responding to a nearby Witch ] "Hear that Witch? I'll give her something to cry about ..."
 * "A Witch! (sniffs) And she's close."
 * [ When a Witch growls ] "You got a death wish? Leave that Witch alone!"
 * [ Responding to a nearby Hunter ] "Yeah, you better hide! Sweatshirt wearin' little wuss..."
 * "I hear a Hunter. Come on out wussy..."
 * [ Responding to a nearby Smoker ] "Smoker. Hah, he's gonna have to use that tongue to choke my foot out of his butt."
 * (sing-song') "Sounds like a Smoker."
 * [ Responding to a nearby Boomer ] "Hear that Boomer? I'm gonna kill his ass."
 * "Watch it. We got a Boomer."
 * [ Being attacked by a Tank ] "Shit, I need some help."
 * "This thing's killing me!"
 * "Get this thing off me!"
 * "I got a Tank on me!"
 * [ Puked on ] "Holy Jesus! That's bad!"
 * "He puked on me!"
 * [ Responding to zombies not vampires ] "Yeah whatever you say professor monster."
 * "Where the hell did all these vampires come from?"
 * [Responding to an angry witch] "Stop spooking that effin' witch!"

No Mercy

 * Francis: Eugh, which one of you BUTTHOLES just CRAPPED yourself?
 * Zoey: Oops, sorry can i get some more adult diapers?!?


 * [ When Bill mentions about shooting him if he turns ] "What if just your beard starts to turn? Can I shoot that?"
 * Francis: I'm not gonna let those goddamn vampires beat me.
 * Bill/Louis: They're zombies, Francis.
 * Francis: Whatever!


 * [ When Bill mentions he has a bad feeling about the hospital ] "Hey, look on the bright side; if you don't make it, I'll still be really handsome!"
 * Zoey/Bill: Francis, is there anything you don't hate?
 * Francis: You know what I don't hate? I don't hate vests.


 * [ When Zoey says that the helicopter pilot had better be there ] "If he ain't, at least we die with a nice view of the city."
 * [ If two Survivors die ] "You and me gotta find some tougher friends."
 * "Just two of us left! Shit!"
 * "Two of us left! Alright, we can still do this."
 * "Chopper's here, let's go!"

Crash Course
Louis: "Great. What is it?
 * [ Start of the level ] "Alright, nobody panic. I have a plan."

Francis: "Well, it's pretty complicated. I don't want to bore you with a lot of the complex fractions but, step 1 is it we walk that way."
 * [ Upon seeing the pilot's corpse ] "Hey Zoey, here's the pilot, in case you wanna shoot him again."
 * Zoey: "He was a ZOMBIE, Francis!"


 * [ When approaching the moving van across from the warehouses exit ] "Say. An Alley."
 * [ When a horde is approaching during Crash Course ] "Here they come! Zoey, just pretend they're all helicopter pilots!"
 * Zoey: "Zombie, Francis! He. Was. A. ZOMBIE!"

[ Upon seeing the Train Wreck in-town ] "Whoa... Zoey must've shot the Train Conductor. Hehe..."

Zoey: "The pilot was a ZOMBIE, Francis!" or "Okay, you know what? He was a zombie. Zombie, zombie, zombie, not a pilot. He was a zombie Francis!" Zoey: "You what?" [Real concern] "Francis, are you all right?"
 * [ At the beginning of Crash Course ] "Wow! I love helicopters! I love 'em so much..."

Francis: "Whoa, must've hit my head in the crash. I'm okay now. I hate helicopters." Zoey: "Heh, farting."
 * [ When passing large fuel tanks ] "Hey Zoey, we're passing gas!"
 * [ Passing steaming pipe ] "Hey, watch out for that goddamn steam pipe."

Zoey: "Man, I love steam."

Francis: "Yeah, steam's all right, I guess." or "I hate steam...pipes." or "Oh yeah. I love steam. I just hate the pipes."
 * [ At the large quantities of recycle bins ] "Thanks for saving the planet, recyclers. Mission accomplished."
 * [ At the beginning of Crash Course ] "Goddammit! Where'd they buy this helicopter? At the uh...uh...um...hold on."
 * Zoey: "The shitty pilot store?"
 * Francis: "Yeah. Stupid helicopter!"


 * "Hey Mr. Positive, we just CRASHED! You got something positive to say about that?"
 * Louis: "We walking away from it, ain't we?."
 * {Alternate}Louis: "That was my first time in a helicopter... It was pretty exciting."
 * Francis: Yeah alright... I'll give you that
 * {Alternate}Louis: "Yeah, I guess so. I bet we don't see any more witches from now on. Anyone wanna bet me?"


 * "Hey Louis. That fancy college of yours teach you how to fix a helicopter?"

Louis: "Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

Francis: "You're kidding right?"
 * "You're still wearing that tie Louis? What? You got a meeting? Haha."
 * Louis: "Heh that's funny Francis. Why don't you take your moustache, your little vest, and your chaps, and go find yourself a parade!"
 * Francis: "[Grumbling] Don't see what's wrong with vests..." or "Not that you're wearing chaps." or "I hate parades."


 * "See? I told you. Helicopter crashed. We're not saved. We're all gonna die. Pay up."
 * Louis: "Francis, why would you bet that we're doomed?"
 * Francis: "Cuz it's money in the bank. Remind me to explain gambling to you sometime."


 * Zoey: "Okay, important safety tip: Don't get in a helicopter with a zombie pilot."

Francis: "Yeah well next time someone offers us a ride, don't shoot him." or "Or in this case, a vampire."

Zoey: "He was a zombie Francis."
 * "This sign says 'I hate Mondays'. Man, tell me about it! Unless it's lasagna Monday. I love lasagna."
 * "I used to work for Hersch once, until some guy laughed at my little brown shorts and I beat him to death."
 * [ When he saw the Riverside sign ] "Riverside? Aww, I hate Canada." or "Oh my god, I hate Canada so much!" or "If there's one thing I hate more than vampires, it's Canada eh!"
 * Zoey/Louis: "Canada? Francis, we're in Pennsylvania" or Zoey: "Yeah. Canadians are dicks."
 * Francis: "Man! I've been hatin' Riverside all this time for nothin'."

"Hunter! It looked Canadian." Louis: "Uh huh."
 * [ Very rarely, when he saw a Hunter or hear a Boomer after seeing the Riverside sign without Zoey or Louis correcting him ] "I hear a Boomer! And it sounded Canadian!"
 * "Is that how helicopters are supposed to land?"

Francis: "That's what I thought."

Zoey: "Well boys, I guess we're walking." Zoey: "He turned in a zombie Francis. He wasn't gonna land the thing."
 * "I still can't believe you shot the pilot."

Francis: "Well, I guess now we'll never know will we?" Louis: "I'd be damned Francis! When'd you learn to read?" Bill: "Speak up Francis! Your voice got all muffled from your head being so far up your ass!" or "You know who's gonna survive this mess Francis? It ain't the fella making jokes."
 * [ Upon seeing a For Lease sign ] "For lease. Anybody got a pen? I wanna write this number down." or "For lease."
 * [ When he saw the Eastern Waterworks sign ] "Waterworks. That where you pick up your crying supplies Bill? Hahahaha...I am hilarious!"

Death Toll

 * [ When entering the tunnel ] "Fantastic. A tunnel."
 * Bill: "Don't be an ass, Francis."


 * [ Noticing a sign warning of deer crossing at The Turnpike ] "Uh-oh, watch out! Deer around here."
 * [ To Church Guy ] "We're cops! Open up!"
 * "Man, I don't think that cop thing worked..."
 * "Let's see, I'm Francis, that's Grandpa Bill, and there's zombies out here! Open the goddamn door!"
 * Francis: "Have a heart, we got a helpless old man with us!"
 * Bill: "Hey!"


 * "I'm gonna tear that bell down and shove it up your ass!"
 * "Everyone but us is either a zombie or an asshole."
 * "Listen, candy pants, we can make you open that goddamn door."
 * "If we live through this, I'm gonna frickin' KILL that guy!"
 * [ After Louis has stated that Riverside is a bust, and they should get to the river ]
 * Francis: "That's better than my plan."
 * Bill: "What was that?"
 * Francis: "I didn't have one."


 * [ When answering the radio in Death Toll ] "Attention boat owners! We are uh, the cops! I command you to pick us up!"

Dead Air

 * "This is the most sober I've ever been in an airport."
 * "The sad thing is, this is only the second worst time I've ever had in an airport."
 * "'God is dead', huh? Well join the damn club."
 * "Don't everybody start the crane all at once!"
 * "The whole damn city is on fire!"
 * "It figures the only thing in the damn city NOT on fire is the one thing we need to burn down."
 * "Let's get up that ladder!"
 * "We oughtta get back on the rooftops."
 * "Ah shit. That half-a plane ain't real encouraging."
 * [ When starting the The Construction Site's Crescendo Event ] "Heh, hot shot."
 * "Our dumpster's arrived, let's go, girls!"

Blood Harvest

 * [ Upon seeing the first picnic table in The Woods ] "You're tellin' me people camp for fun?"
 * [ Realizes radio is just a tape rather than live ] "Goddamn tape looped piece of shit, I hate the Army." or "Screw the goddamn army.", "I love the Army!", or sometimes, "I forgive you Army, I love you guys!" [ APC arrives ]
 * "That is one creepy ass house."
 * "You gotta be shittin' me! We walked a hundred miles to fight five million vampires!"
 * [ When answering the radio in Blood Harvest ] "Attention army! This is- *clears throat* -the cops!"

Friendly Fire

 * "Dammit! Stop. Shooting. Me."
 * "Do that again, and you're gonna be firing that thing out of your ass!"
 * "Shoot me again, and I'm gonna kick your ass!"
 * "That. Hurt!"
 * "Ya know? I would appreciate it if you'd stop shooting me!"
 * "Monsters all over the damn place and you gotta shoot me?!"
 * [ When shot by Bill ] "OW! You havin' some kind of flash back, old man?"
 * "Bill, quit shooting me!"
 * "Nice shot, Bill, that was my ass!"
 * "Watch yer fire, Old Man."

Cut lines
There are some unused lines that can only be found in the game's caption document.


 * "Louis, try not to blow up the helicopter..."
 * "I already pressed the damn button."
 * "Yeah, it'll probably come quicker if ya keep pressin it."
 * "So, how's yer beard holdin' up, Bill?"
 * "Hit the button!"
 * "Hey jackass, I already pressed the damn button."


 * "Listen, the government's got a hate-free zone up north... I'm kidding, the military's got a stronghold up there and they're killing anything that walks funny. Railroad tracks should take us right there."
 * "I knew that idiot couldn't fly a plane. Everybody in one piece?"
 * "Is Arnold in there?"
 * "Never mind, I forgot, you guys are like 10 years old. 'Cept you, Bill."
 * "Yo, you in the monkey suit, hit the power."
 * "God DAMN I hate electric fences."
 * "Nice, they electrified the fence."
 * "Louis, what's scarier: Zombies or goin' back to work in an office?"
 * "Bet you kids cross shit like this for fun."
 * "There's a safe house back here!"
 * "Nice day for a picnic."
 * "Bridge's out. Terrific."
 * "Maintenance corridor up here!"
 * "These things are a real frickin' maze. I hate mazes."
 * "Hey, Poindexter, hit the power."
 * "Watch out for that fence."
 * "Woaah, fried."
 * "Start the engine."
 * "Hey, unhook that car."
 * "Get that thing moving!"
 * "Track's blocked again. Looks like they curve around that hill."
 * "Let's hump our asses over the hill."
 * "Someone get the gate."
 * "Open the gate!"
 * "Across the bridge, GO!"
 * "That's some fire power!"
 * "Well, I'm callin' em, this is it."
 * "Somethin's not right..."
 * "What's this shit?"
 * "I don't like this..."
 * "These guys better not take long. I've had it."
 * "Fried zombies..."
 * "Hey, fried zombies... tasty."
 * "You got a better plan?"


 * "You really made that crane your bitch, Zoey."
 * "Sir, Terry's dead. And we're cops."
 * "Listen, asshole, I can fly the plane!"
 * "Terry didn't make it, pal."
 * "Let's head through this grow room."
 * "Nice crane technique, Louis!"
 * "Well, we're here, we may as well look for a plane."
 * "We need to get downstairs."
 * "Big pile a' luggage. Lotta good it did em."
 * "Maybe your belt buckle set that off.
 * "Get outta the damn metal detector!"
 * "Why would the army bomb the airport?"
 * "We need to be on the other side of that pile a' crap."
 * "What do you mean it's just like the army?"
 * "You think my belt buckle set it off?"
 * "Here's a crazy idea: What if we send the van into that pile of junk?"
 * "Holy shit... that wasn't our plane was it?"
 * "I'm a little scared of flyin' now."
 * "What's the chance that'll happen twice in a row?"
 * "Jesus, it looks like a bomb went off here. A few bombs."
 * "*That* plane looks okay."
 * "What the hell happened to this place?"
 * "Somebody really blew this place to hell..."
 * "Don't make me come over there and open up a can of whoopass."
 * "You just make sure the damn thing is ready to fly."


 * "I don't HATE bats, but I do not like them."
 * "Gunfire! Somebody's still alive in Riverside!"
 * "We're not infected! I just have herpes!"
 * "Sorry lady, we're takin' yer husband's offer."
 * "If we find a way to the surface, we can get to Riverside."
 * "Watch out for bats!"
 * "Come on, this tunnel is a little creepy"
 * "Ew. I hate caca."
 * "Riverside's to our right."
 * "I hate vomit."
 * "I love my vest."
 * "Hey - not on the vest!"
 * "Who are you?"
 * "So long, Riverside.


 * "Beer."
 * "Zoey, stop checkin' me out."
 * "You were at the battle of Hue?"
 * "I'm kidding. I have no idea what that is."
 * "Nice park job."
 * "Beats standin' around in a forest. Let's go."
 * "Ooh, another great park job."
 * "Barricades, huh? Wonder how *that* worked out for 'em?"
 * "Why would you think that?"
 * "You kids and your stupid movies."
 * "Is that another line from a movie?"
 * "Aye Aye, Captain."
 * "Yes sir, Colonel."
 * "Why the hell would you think you need to shoot them in the head?"
 * "To think I used to get in trouble for this shit."
 * "Don't that shit beat all?"
 * "Keep talkin', Louis..."
 * "I don't care what these things are, I'm just killin' em all."
 * "Kill em all and let God sort em out."
 * "I hate witches, and this dead thing."
 * "You can call 'em Princess Diana, I'm still gonna blow their heads off"
 * "Louie, this is as good as it's gonna get."
 * "Don't make me beat your ass."
 * "Sweety, wanna give Bill your health kit?"
 * "Okay, gangster."
 * "Hey, who just shot me?"
 * "What the hell are you two talking about?"
 * "Don't think this means anything. This is just pillow talk baby."
 * "I always wanted to be a cop."
 * "Bill, do I gotta carry you up these damn stairs?"
 * "Hey everybody, raise your hand if you think that's a good idea."
 * "If I go down, promise you'll go on without me, get help, then come back and save me."
 * "You think they'll call us heroes someday? We are savin' humanity, right? A very small, four-person chunk of it, but still."
 * "Later, brother. You will be missed."
 * "Rest in peace, brother."
 * "THAT, my friends, is a shitload of zombies."
 * "THAT is a lot of vampires."
 * "Helpin' is half the fun."
 * "I don't know man, I don't think we need any more bankers."
 * "Well shit, kill zombies in here or out there. Let's go."
 * "Hey, Adult Diapers, move!"
 * "Hey, Old Folks Home, get in here!"
 * "Jesus. Human body's only got nine pints of blood in it. You might want to, like, save some in a cup or something."
 * "You did good back there. Right up to the point where all the zombies attacked and, you know, almost killed ya."
 * "Ahhh, you'll be fine. I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be able to see that bone."
 * "Let's get you patched up so you can go die someplace nicer."
 * "Somebody's coming to take us outta here. The good news is we got time for one last blow out before they arrive."
 * "Get inside! Free beer in here!"
 * "Thanks for killin' our only woman."
 * "Man, even for vampires these things haul ass."
 * "Look, all I know is these are some messed up vampires."
 * "Jesus Christ. That's the sound of you NOT complaining?"
 * "Come to daddy."
 * "You're right, these things shamble around and eat people. Oh no, wait, they don't, because THEY'RE VAMPIRES."
 * "If figured the world'd eventually end. I just never thought it'd be vampires."
 * "Nice job there, Van Helsing."
 * "Nice shot! For a girl. Louis."
 * "Forty years ago you woulda been, what, a hundred?"
 * "If you survive, maybe God's tryin' to tell ya something."