Ellis/Quotes

A list of Ellis' Quotes heard so far in Left 4 Dead 2.

Intro

 * [Responding to Coach quoting CEDA's instructions in case of infection] "Kill all sons-a-bitches. That's my 'ficial instructions."
 * [when the Mudmen attack] "Hey, watch out!"
 * [At the roof of the hotel] "Hey, where is everybody? Hellooooo? Anyone here?"
 * [When getting pummeled by a Charger] "It's got me!"
 * [When grabbed by a Smoker and some other zombies] "Ah! What the he—AAAAAAHH!"
 * [Seeing how the lower floors are flooded by the Infected] "Ho-lee...shit...."

General

 * [ After closing the Safe Room door ] "We gonna need to do better than THAT."
 * We're still standin'!
 * "We are a right DAMN good team!"
 * "I am proud to be part of this team!"
 * "Oh, HELL yeah!"
 * "We opened up a can of whup ass on them!"
 * "Ha-ha, I'm thinking we can take on ANYTHING."
 * "Okay, who here didn't think we were gonna make that?"
 * "We are kings of the world!"
 * [Laughing] "We are good!"
 * "I can hardly believe we made that!"
 * "Man, I could go for a cold one right about now."
 * "That's how it's done RIGHT!"
 * "Whoo-hoo! Elvis has left the building!"
 * "Whoo! Yeah! Ha! Ah!"
 * "Oh man! Alright, you might wanna clean your drawers after that. I know I do."
 * "That there was some crazy shit man!"
 * "Dude, we just got our asses handed to us!"
 * "That was closer than a-- well shit man, that was just straight up close!"
 * "Who here didn't think we were gonna make that?"
 * "Oh ho, Shit yeah! SHIT YEAH!"
 * [whistles] '"That was brutal."
 * "That, was a pretty poor display."
 * "You know what? We'll call that one a tie."
 * "Wow man!"
 * [ When seeing a Safe Room ] "Hey, we got a Safe Room right ahead!"
 * [ When all alone or all other Survivors are dead ] "Not funny man, where are you guys?"
 * "Caw ca caw ca!"
 * "Anyone?"
 * [ When waiting for the other Survivors inside the Safe Room ] "I need every one of you inside, NOW!"
 * "C'mon, y'all, get inside!"
 * "Shit, get inside!"
 * "Y'all, inside, NOW!"
 * "Get inside, y'all!"
 * [ When finding an item ] "All right, all right!"
 * [ When responding to an insult from Nick ] "Who ain't right in the head now?"
 * "Well, looky over here."
 * [ On "The Passing" in the saferoom of the Port, Nick asks Ellis about Zoey and he replies ] Nick, don't talk to me; I'm a nervous wreck over here.

Stories

 * [ When in the Safe Room at the start of The Park ] "Do you know what "suck the heads" means? 'Cause I came down here with Keith once, and he didn't know, and― I mean, it ain't nothin' bad. It's about eatin'―"
 * Nick: "Ellis? Is now the best time?" / "Ellis, Ellis! We don't have time for this right now!"
 * Rochelle: "Ellis, sweetie, can this wait?"
 * Coach: "We ain't got time for this, Ellis."


 * Ellis: "Okay."


 * "My buddy Keith tried camping out on top of a building once. He was shooting crows, but the police were too busy teargassin' him to ask what he was doin' up there. He screamed for an entire year every single time he opened his eyes! Oh, man! At first, it was funny; then it just got sad, but then it got funny again! Oh, man!"
 * "Man, I love malls. I do. Once, I was in this mall, up in Atlanta, and these guys were dancing for like money and stuff and my friend Dave and I was all..."
 * Note: In the German version Dave is replaced with Keith, but in the English version he does mention Dave. However, it is only in this particular story.

("Community" stories for unofficial campaigns)
 * "Jimmy Gibbs Jr. is the man. I mean, I don't know anybody like that, man. But there was this guy I knew, he raced dirt tracks, not stock cars but open-wheeled cars, you know, and he was racing once and a goat..." (Survivors interrupt) "Okay, but there was a goat."
 * "I knew this guy who was trying to set the world record on staying on a Ferris wheel. He'd been up there for, like, two days or something, and he wanted some beer, but they weren't givin' him any. So he got this rope―and don't ask me where he got the rope from― "
 * "I ever tell you about the time me and Keith made a homemade bumper car ride with ridin' mowers in his backyard? Mower blade wounds over 90% of his body. I didn't run him over, either; he somehow managed to fall under his own."
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith drowned in the Tunnel of Love? You wouldn't think it could happen 'cause the water's so shallow, but that's how it gets you, man. Overconfidence. Keith was with his lady at the time, and he was yellin' for her to save him, but she didn't want to get wet."
 * "I ever tell you about the time me and Keith snuck a paintball gun on a rollercoaster? I never heard'a anybody else doin' it, so I thought we might'a invented a sport, so Keith called the patent office, but―"
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith fell out the rollercoaster? Yeah, he didn't drop far, mind you, just onto the tracks, but the carnival people wouldn't stop the ride 'cause all the other people paid good money and Keith snuck on for free, so he had to dodge for, like, 20 minutes or so."
 * "I ever tell you about the time Keith and I made fireworks? Now, I didn't know shit about chemistry, but Keith figured "Gasoline burns, doesn't it?" Heh, third-degree burns on 95 percent of his body. Man, people in the next city over were calling to complain about the smell of burning skin."
 * "I ever tell you about the time Keith tried to deep-fry a turkey? Third-degree burns over 90 percent of his body. His doctor called up, like, other doctors to look at him cause they'd never seen burns on top of existing burns―"
 * "Man, all this mud reminds me of my friend Keith. Yeah, he was goin' to build a shack once, to live in and all, and I know most people here, they build houses and they become shacks, but Keith, he was about jumpin' right to the shack stage. But he had no wood. So he got some mud and was makin' what we were all thinkin' was gonna be these adobe bricks, you know, like when them people out West made bricks and shit? Well, he had mud and..."
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith got rolled by a gator in a swamp? Man, he didn't agonize it or nothin', we were just tryin' to grab two so we could piss 'em off and get 'em into a fight. Well, anyway, the third time Keith went under, I realized something was wrong, so I―"
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith drove his car off a cliff, broke both his legs? It's not a funny "ha-ha" story so much as a make-you-think story. For instance: windshields look pretty durable, right? Not the case, according to Keith. Son of a bitch flew right through that sucker―"
 * "Man, I ain't never been in a sugarcane field before. I mean, I've seen 'em an' all, but I've never had any reason to go in one. Now, you go in a peach grove, and you find all kinds of cool shit! Like this one time, I was in a―" {Alternate line} " I've never been in a sugarcane field before. I mean, I've seen 'em an' all, but no real reason to go into one, but now you go to a peach grove you find all sorts of cool shit. This one time, I was in a―"
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith and I were on the top of a burnin' building, and we had to fight our way down like five floors of zombies and― Hey, wait a second...I guess that was you guys. Oh, shit, man, I can't wait to tell Keith about that one!"
 * "Did I ever tell you guys about the time me and Keith filled up water balloons with our own―"
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith fell down an open manhole? He was unconscious down there for like a week. Durin' that time, unbeknowst to Keith, they paved over him. Keith had to―"
 * [ In The Quarter Safe House ] "My buddy Keith lived in a graveyard once for a whole year. It wasn't a dare or nothin', he just got kicked out of his house. He said he NEVER saw a single ghost 'cept for this one time when a ghost stabbed him from behind and took all his money, and he might've just been a homeless guy, 'cause he had a robe on with two eyes cut out his face."
 * [ In The Bridge Safe Room ] "One time, the Army bombed my buddy Keith. He went camping and didn't bother to read the signs, and I guess they were just testing bombs that day. All sorts of stuff, too, not just regular bombs. Like biological nerve-gas bombs, shrapnel bombs, these bombs that break up in the air into, like, a hundred smaller bombs―"
 * "I ever tell you about the time me and Keith snuck into a Tunnel of Love? Man, if you get your spit thick enough, y'see, y'all can hang a loogie off the overhang, right, so when smoochin' sons-a-bitches behind you―"
 * "This one time, my buddy Keith, on a DARE, got a tattoo: "I'm a moron" right across his forehead, man. 'Course, he made two hundred bucks off that, so...you ask yourself: Who's the REAL moron?"
 * "Ah, Ro. Man, that reminds me of the ti―"
 * "Oh, dude! This reminds me of that time my buddy Keith, he went on a diet on account of what the doctor sayin' he had to go on a diet or he'd die, so they told him he could drink nothin but them little diet shakes, but those are like five bucks a can man, and Keith is like, "Look, I aint' gonna―" (Interruption). Ah, no, man, he gained like 30 pounds, but he did invent a shitload of tasty drinks. I was always kinda partial to the Keith's Kiwi Kamikaze.
 * "This one time, my buddy Keith started up a historic tour, on account of his mom took him to Colonial Williamsburg, and it's like a license to print money at them places. Now, you might ask yourself how an honest attempt to recreate the majesty of Colonial times turned into raccoon fights at five bucks a pop in Keith's backyard, ha-ha. Man, the answer to that particular question is that Keith is sharing a place with his two brothers and them being assholes who wouldn't let them do it anywhere but the backyard; well, add that to Keith didn't technically have any, y'know, history to put on display, but he did have a whole family of raccoons living in the chassis of an old car and you'd begin to understand."
 * "Yo, my buddy Keith had his car drop in a lake off a bridge just like this one here... Yeah, see, he was driving over it late at night and there in the middle of the bridge was what looked like, In Keith's estimation, like a dead bear, so Keith gets out his car to find a stick to poke at it, right? Well, it turns out it's just some lady's fur coat that musta fallen out her car, so, hey, free coat, right? Now, owls won't normally attack a man, but in this case, they were hungry, and that made them reckless, man. Keith reckons that they musta been there for hours watchin' what they thought was a bear carcass, 'cause as soon as he picked it up, them owls had claws in him inch deep. Well, Keith figures his best bet is to jump in a lake, 'cause owls can't swim. Well, them owls could. He fought them for like 20 minutes treading water, and during that time, a boat came, the bridge went up and down went Keith's car. Man, sometimes nature's just tryin' to teach us, if we'd only listen."
 * "I ever tell you about the time Keith made sushi? Yeah, his mom took him to a sushi place for his birthday and he didn't want to go, but he turned out he LOVED it, man. But it's like 10 bucks a su-sho in one of them places, so Keith figures, "Hey, how hard can it be to roll up some raw food in seaweed," right? As it turns out, it's hard. Now, they say that experience is the best teacher, and experience taught Keith that if you ever eat three pounds of raw chicken, it kills you. Now luckily, Keith's brain went into self-defense mode and started shutting organs down to head the chicken off at the pass, and the doctors were able to get 'em out before his heart stopped. But to this day, Keith has no sensation in his right foot, and doesn't recognize his own brother Paul no more."
 * "Hey, y'all, yeah, I like this bridge you got. You know, this reminds me my buddy Keith and I were once on a bridge just like this, man. Well, kinda, I mean, I was on the bridge and Keith was sure he could jump the river without the bridge, so I raised the bridge, and, well... Did you know cars can float? I mean, for a little while at least..."
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith got married? 'Course not... that's a trick question. He never got married. Ya know you hear about those runaway brides right? Well, Keith was a runaway groom. And on his wedding day... It all started when..." (Version 1)
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith got married? 'Course not... that's a trick question. 'Cause he never did get married. You know you always hear about them runaway brides? Well, Keith, he was a runaway groom and on his wedding day... Yep, it all started when he..." (Version 2)
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith snuck into a wedding? He thought he was being smart getting all dressed up and like...but it seems the preacher wasn't there and they thought he was the preacher and, well, he married them the best he could. I think that counts for them being married, but, I don't know, maybe not. I think they named one of their..."

(NOTE: Not included in The Passing DLC!)
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith said he was picked up by some little green men and then..."
 * "I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith wanted to see what it felt like to be in a snowstorm? See, he ain't ever seen real snow, only snow we get is from the big machine that cleans the ice at the local rink, so he just figured he make do with the machine when it went to dump its load. See, he'd just lay under it. Man. It took us two hours to dig him out. Yup, lost two fingers and a thumb to frostbite."
 * "Man, I don't know. Keith made a boulder trap just like this...it did not end well." (Fitting for South Pine Stream during Cold Stream, when boulders get thrown down and a Tank appears.)
 * "Man, I don't ever think Keith's been to a prison this bad."
 * "Hey, did I ever tell you that time when me and Keith tried being homeless? We had a shopping cart and a cardboard box and we were sleeping in front of the garage we worked at. It was fun until Paul decided to call the police..."


 * "I ever tell you the time me and Keith went to Hollywood? It was the most awesomest place in the world. We saw..."
 * Nick: "Ellis, if you don't shut up, I am going to find this Keith, zombie or not, and wring his neck."
 * Ellis: "Too bad for you, Nick. He was one of the first to get on the whirlybirds."

Commands
These are derived from the PC commands when using the Z, X, or C keys.

Yes

 * "Yes."
 * "Yup."
 * "Okay."
 * "Yeah."
 * "Sure."
 * "Yeah, let's do it."
 * "All right."
 * "I'm game."

No

 * "No."
 * "Uh-uh."
 * "Nope."
 * "Naw, man."
 * "Naw."
 * "Heh, yeah― No."
 * "Yeah, naw."
 * "Sorry, no."
 * "Can't do it, man."
 * " Aw, hell, no, man!"

Distant Target

 * "Look!"
 * "Over there."
 * "Looky-looky."
 * "Look right there."
 * "Hey look over there."
 * "Look here."

Nearby Target

 * "Hey look over here."
 * "Look here."
 * "Hey look at this here."
 * "Well, looky over here!"
 * "Well, look what we've got right here!"
 * "Yeah, look at this here right now, uh-huh."
 * "Looky-looky."

Coach

 * "Coach, Coach, Coach."
 * "Coach."
 * "Hey, Coach."

Nick

 * "Excuse me, Sir."
 * "Sir."
 * "Mr. Gamblin' Man."
 * "You. In the suit."
 * "Nick."
 * "Hey, Nick!"
 * "Hey, sir!"

Rochelle

 * "Ma'am."
 * "Miss."
 * "Excuse me, Miss."
 * "Rochelle!"
 * "Hey, Ro!"
 * "Ro."

Argh

 * "Well, piss!"
 * "No thank you!"
 * "Hogwash!"
 * "Aw, hogwash, man!"
 * "Jesus, no, man!"
 * "Ah, Lord!"
 * "That ain't right."
 * "That's bullshit."
 * "Ah, hell! That's bullshit."
 * "Ain't that a load of shit!"
 * "Christ in a handbasket!"

Taunt

 * "Ha-ha, we whipped the dogshit out of them!"
 * "Why don't you remember that for next time, you sons-a-bitches!"
 * "Hey who's your daddy!?"
 * "We knocked the piss out of them"
 * "Uh-oh, my trigger finger got tired!"
 * "They ain't takin' us alive!"
 * "Let's kick some ass!"
 * "We're kickin' more ass than a boot in an ass factory!"
 * "I ain't no goddamn son of a bitch, you better think about THAT baby!"
 * "That's right, you can't kill us!"

Follow Me

 * "C'mon guys this way"

When teammates say "Follow Me"

 * "Hell yeah, where we goin'?
 * "I'll follow you."
 * "I'm right beind ya'."
 * "You're in charge."

Lead the Way

 * "Let's go!"

Ready

 * "Yeah, I'm ready; y'all ready?"
 * "Ready?"

Thank you

 * "Thanks, I owe you one."
 * "Hey, thanks, man."
 * "Hey, thanks a lot!"
 * "I owe you one."
 * "Much obliged."
 * [To Rochelle] "Thank you kindly, ma'am."

Good Job

 * "You are taking charge...well, nice!"
 * "Good shootin', Tex!"
 * "Hey, good shootin'!"
 * "Yeah, nice!"
 * [To Rochelle] "Well, Goddamn Annie Oakley'!"

Health related

 * [ When healing ] "Can somebody wait up? I'm gonna heal."
 * "Wait a second, I'm gonna heal."
 * "Can somebody watch my back? I'm gonna heal."
 * "Healing, cover me, please!"
 * "Can y'all cover me? I gotta heal!"
 * "I hope to hell I'm doing this right."
 * [ When using the defibrillator ] "Clear!"
 * "C'mon, work, work!"

Upon spotting First Aid

 * "Hope you don't mind, I'm gonna...take this first aid kit here."
 * "Grabbin' first aid."
 * "First aid kit."
 * "Hey, I got a first aid kit if somebody needs it."
 * "First aid kit here."
 * "First Aid!"

After healing

 * Ahhhh, much much better.
 * Oh yeah. Brrrrrrrr! Oh yeah, oh yeah.
 * That fixed me up real good.

When healing a teammate

 * "Here ya go. I had no use for this anyhow, I ain't gonna get shot."
 * "Here ya go. Had no use for this anyhow."
 * "Here, let me help ya. That's what friends are for!"
 * "Let me heal ya. This is what friends are for."
 * "Hold on, now, let me heal ya."
 * "Here ya go now...you'll probably put this to better use than me anyhow."
 * "Let me patch ya up."
 * "Let me use this health kit on ya."
 * [When healing teamates and self on first level of Dead Center]
 * "I don't know what I'm doin', so just hold on a minute."
 * "I don't know what I'm doin, so just...hold on."
 * "All right, lemme try to fix ya up."
 * "I better practice on you before I do this on myself."
 * "Hang on a minute, I think it goes something like this."
 * [While watching Coach heal on first level of Dead Center] "Oh, now, Coach, it looks like you've done this before."
 * Coach: "Hell naw, I ain't never done this before."
 * "Shit you'd be better off doin' this on your own"
 * {Alternate line when healing Nick} "Shit you'd be better off doin' this your own damn self"

When reviving a teammate

 * "I ain't leaving you, but you better get up!"
 * "Hang on there."
 * "Up we go."
 * "Get your ass up, NOW! C'MON!"
 * "Well, get up! Get up!"
 * "What are you doing down there? We've got zombies to kill and shit."
 * "Look at me. You're gonna be okay."
 * "It's fine, let me just get ya' up."
 * "Dude, you don't look so good. Lemme help you up."
 * "Man, I don't like to see you like this. Come on now, yeah, let me help you up."
 * "Ya' ain't so good to us down here. We gotta get you back on your feet."
 * "Ain't no harm in goin' down. Let Ellis help ya' up."
 * "Don't worry. We all go down. You'll be fine once we get ya' back up on your feet."
 * "Hey, don't worry! Ain't nothin' but a scratch."
 * "Y'know I'd never leave ya' down here. Let me help ya' up."
 * "Come on, now. Can't stay down here. We've got zombies to kill and shit."
 * "Hey. We're gonna make this right."
 * "Oh hang on there, let's get ya up on your feet."
 * [When teammate is near death] "Hey...I don't mean to be scarin' you none, but you go down like that again, and that's it."
 * "Alright, I'm gonna get you up, but if you don't heal yourself right quick, that's it for ya'."
 * "Heh...I know you're tough, but we gotta get you healed quick-like. Understand me?"
 * [When reviving a teammate hanging from a ledge] "I got ya', I got ya'...just try not to look down, now."
 * "Hey, Ellis got ya. Ain't nothin' gonna happen to ya', now."
 * "Hey, you all right?"
 * "Y'all okay?"
 * "Hey, you gonna be all right?"
 * "Can you make it?"
 * "Does it hurt?"
 * "Can I help"
 * "You good?"
 * "You okay?"
 * "How ya' doin?"
 * "All right, well let's go now."
 * "Okay, on your feet.
 * "All right, upsy-daisy."
 * "See? You're all good."
 * "I knew you'd be okay."
 * "Good as new."
 * "Let's go kill some zombies!"
 * "Shake it off, let's go!"

When low on health

 * "Oh, man. Oh, man, oh, man, oh, man, oh, man..."
 * "Ohhhh."
 * "These here zombies are tryin' to kill me."
 * "I ain't lyin', this hurts."
 * "I'm not tryin' to curse myself, but I think I'm gonna die."
 * "Yep...I'm hurt a'plenty."
 * "I don't feel right...I think I really hurt somethin'."
 * "Yeah, I best be findin' me a health kit."
 * "Look, I ain't goin' on...I'm really hurt."
 * "Ah shit, this hurts."
 * "Man, I ain't doin' too good."
 * "Ah, come on...gotta keep up, gotta keep up."
 * "Oh man, I'm hurtin'."
 * "Aw, hell, no. Hell, no."
 * "Hey, guys, I'm all torn up."
 * "I'm all tuckered out..."
 * "This ain't in my plans..."
 * "This ain't right..."
 * "I could really go for a nap right now..."
 * "I got a misery in my bones!"
 * "Y'all...y'all, I'm hurt."
 * "Well, screw me. I'm not gonna make it."
 * "They knocked the piss outta me."
 * "I reckon if this keeps up, I'm gonna die."
 * "I hurt so bad I don't even see right."
 * I don't mean to be cursing myself, but I think I'm going to die.
 * [ While incapacitated ] "Hey, I need some help over here!"
 * "Help me out!"
 * "I can't make it on my own! Help me!"
 * "HE-EELP!"
 * "AHHHH!"
 * "Uh guys? I dont' feel so good."
 * [While running to the saferoom] "Sorry, I can't go any faster!"
 * "I'm goin' as fast as I can, man!"

While falling to his death

 * "SORRY Y'ALL!"
 * "GOODBYE!"
 * "HELP!"
 * "YEAAAAAAH!"
 * "WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

After being revived

 * "Much obliged."
 * " Hey, thanks, man!"
 * "Hey, thanks a lot!"
 * "Thanks man I thought I was stuck in there"

Rescue closet

 * "Oh, come on, man! I'm gettin' bored up here. Get me out of here!"
 * "Hey...hey, everybody, don't forget about me in here!"
 * "Help! HELP! HEEEELP!"
 * "Okay, I triple-dog-dare you to rescue me!"
 * "Now, hold on, you're not thinkin' of leavin' me in here, are you?"
 * "Could someone please get me out of here?"
 * "Hey, guys, are you having fun out there without me?"

After getting defibrillated

 * "Good thing I headed away from the light..."
 * "Dude, was I just dead there? Oh, man..."
 * "ARGH!"
 * "So that's what it feels like to be dead."
 * "Ow! The hell ' re you shocking me for?"
 * "Wooooohoooo!"

Coach

 * "Aw, man, Coach..."
 * "Oh, Coach... Thanks for all you've done, man."
 * "Goodbye, Coach."
 * "You're a hell of a man, Coach."
 * "Thanks, Coach."
 * "Man, I was hoping me and Coach were gonna be friends."

Nick

 * "Aw, Nick..."
 * "Nick... You were cool, man..."
 * "Miss you, brother."
 * "Damn, Nick.... Heh, we were just gettin' to be friends."
 * "Bet he didn't think he'd die before me."
 * "Ah, shit, man.. ah, shit, man..."

Rochelle

 * "You be good, Rochelle."
 * "Ro... I'mma miss you, girl."
 * "I'll remember you in my prayers, Ro..."
 * "Hell of a girl, Ro."
 * "She was the last one I wanted to see go."

Note: Like all Survivors, when the Survivors are a good distance away from him, or if he's the only one still alive, Ellis will cry out for them. Unlike the other Survivors, he has a unique "birdcall" he might shout out.

Axe
(Reference to Jack Torrence's infamous line in The Shining when he chops down a bathroom door with an axe.)
 * [chuckles, says quietly] "Look who has an axe..."
 * "Yeah, I've always wanted to be an axe murderer!"
 * "Well, somebody just got themselves an axe."
 * [chuckles] "I got myself an axe."
 * "Hereeeeeeee's Ellis!"
 * "If only Mom could see me now..."

Baseball Bat
Despite what he says, Ellis actually has no watch, which may mean he is implying that he will not stop "beating" the Infected
 * "I'm gonna beat these sons-a-bitches till I lose my watch!"
 * Also a reference to Team Fortress 2, where in one of the comics, Saxton Hale states that Hunting is about, "Finding the most dangerous animals on the Earth and beating them to death until you lose your watch."
 * "Ho-ho-ho, I'm-a bash some head with this."
 * "I'm-a hit a zombie till there ain't a chunk big enough to hit!"

Reloading

 * "I'm-a reload."
 * "Hey, I'm reloading!"
 * "Gotta reload!"
 * "RELOADING!"
 * "Reloading here!"

Machete

 * "Machete here."
 * "This feels right... this feels real right."
 * (rarely) "It's machete time..."
 * "Got a machete."

Magnum

 * "Here we go."

Frying Pan

 * "Spang!"
 * "Frying pan!"
 * "Man, some zombie's gonna have a headache after this."
 * "Well, somebody's gonna make them some zombie grits!"
 * "Let's make some grits!"
 * "Frying pan...Yeah."

Pistol(s)

 * "Goin' with TWO pistols."
 * "Heck, yeah. Goin' with two pistols."
 * "I'll grab that pistol!"
 * "Going with the double pistol, hecks yeah."

Shotgun

 * "This shotgun feels right. Real right."
 * "Grabbing the shotgun of love!" (This is only in the Tunnel of Love Chapter in the Dark Carnival campaign.)

Assault Rifle

 * "This rifle right here got my name all over it."
 * "Man, I wanted this rifle since I was four."

Sniper/Hunting Rifle

 * "I'm gonna be a sniper like in the movies."
 * "I'mma snipe some sons-a-bitches."

SMG

 * "Machine gun."
 * "I guess it'll do. Yeah, whatever, it's a machine gun."
 * "Yeah, I'll take it."

Chainsaw
(reference to Bruce Campbell's character Ash in the Evil Dead series)
 * Seeing/Taking:
 * "Man, if I lose my hand, I'm stitchin' this thing onto the stump."
 * "Ain't a problem in the world can't be solved with a chainsaw."
 * Rampaging:
 * "GET SOME, BABY! GET SOME!"
 * "DIE, DIE, MY DARLINGS! DIE, DIE, DIE!" (reference to The Misfits' song.)
 * [laughing] "YEEAAAAAHHHH!"
 * "DIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!"

Grenade Launcher

 * "Hey, I gotta take the grenade launcher."
 * "Oh, hell, yeah, I gotta take the grenade launcher."
 * "Taking the grenade launcher!"
 * "Grenade launcher!"
 * "Grenade launcher here!"

Explosive Ammo

 * "Deploying frag rounds!"
 * "I'm gonna grab some of these frag rounds!"
 * "Got some frag rounds here!"
 * "Got some explosive rounds right here!"

Incendiary Ammo

 * [ Deploying ] "Time to start some fires..."
 * "Everyone grab some incendiary ammo."
 * "Hey, fire bullets right here!"
 * [ Spotted while in the Tunnel of Love ] "Incendiary ammo of love here!"
 * "Hey everybody, let's grab some incendiary ammo!"

Katana

 * "Katana."
 * "Katana here."
 * "Grabbin' a katana."
 * "Finally, all them karate lessons gonna pay off."
 * "Grabbin' the ninja sword."
 * "Grabbin' the ninja sword. Wish I'd brought my throwing stars."
 * "Grabbin' the ninja sword. Anybody sees some nunchuks, gimme a holler."
 * [Tunnel of Love]"Grabbing the ninja sword of love!"
 * "I'm gonna grab this katana."
 * "Grabbing this cool-ass ninja sword."

Nightstick

 * "♪ Gonna beat me a zombie to death with a nightstick ♪"
 * "Nightstick..."
 * " Nightstick here"

Crowbar

 * "Crowbars give you that personal touch you don't get with gun-killin'."
 * "This will be fun."
 * "Crowbar here."
 * "Crowbar right here."
 * "Grabbin' a crowbar."

Cricket Bat

 * "I don't know, some sort of bat here."
 * "Got me a mind to do some paddlin'."
 * "Bat thing here."
 * "Paddle-bat here."
 * "Man, I'mma beat these sons-a-bitches till I lose my watch."
 * "I'mma beat em like rented mules with this."
 * "Problem solver here!"

Golf Club

 * "Grabbin' the CLUB!"
 * "Grabbin' the golf club."
 * "Fore!"

Guitar

 * "Guitar here."

General

 * "Grabbin' a problem solver."
 * "Time to beat on some sons-a-bitches."
 * "Gonna beat me a zombie till there ain't a chunk big enough to hit."
 * "Man, I'm gonna beat these sons-a-bitches till my shirt turns red."

Molotov

 * "Mol'tov here!"
 * "Molotov."
 * "Mollie's mine."
 * "Grabbin' fire in a bottle."
 * [Laughing] "Gonna play with fire!"
 * "I'm grabbing the mollie."
 * "Grabbin' fire in a bottle, baby."

Throwing Molotov

 * "Hey, fire's coming!"
 * "MOLOTOV COMING!"
 * "Fire's coming!"
 * "Fire's a'comin'!"
 * "Fire in the hole!"
 * "Throwing a Molotov!"

Pipe Bomb

 * [when seeing a pipe bomb] "Hey, theres a pipe bomb right here!"
 * "Pipe bomb, baby."

Throwing Pipe Bomb

 * "Hey! Chase this!"
 * "Throwing a pipe bomb!"
 * "Pipe bomb out!"
 * "Pipe bomb on the way!"
 * "Chase this, ya sons-a-bitches!"
 * "Pipe bomb all the way!"

Bile Bomb

 * "Oh, man, a jar is no place for bodily functions."
 * "Bottle of puke here."
 * "Bi...le bomb here."
 * "Grabbin' a bile bomb!"
 * "Grabbin' a bile jar."
 * "Here's a bottle of...looks like puke."
 * "I got a bile bomb here!"
 * "Grabbin' puke!"
 * "Hey, Nick! Is this your shit?"
 * "Boomer puke here"

Throwing Bile Bomb

 * "Heads up, bile bomb!"
 * "Here comes some puke!"
 * "Bile bomb incoming!"
 * "Throwing a bile bomb."
 * "Here comes the bile, you sons of bitches!"
 * "Heads up, zombies! It's about to RAIN!"
 * "All right, I ain't seen a good brawl in a while."
 * "Man, I hate zombies, but I LOVE watchin' 'em fight."
 * [When throwing at a tank] "Go git that Tank, y'all!"
 * "Boomer puke right here."
 * "Eat bile, you sons-a-bitches!"
 * "Tossin' a bile bomb!"
 * If hit with Boomer bile:
 * "What the HELL, man? I'm gonna get killed here!"
 * "Don't bomb me with the bile!"

Combat Knife

 * "Grabbin' a bread slicer." (unused)

Rochelle makes a kill

 * "Well, goddamn, Annie Oakley."

Nick makes a kill

 * "Whoa, Nick! Well... Why doesn't it surprise me you're good with a gun?"

Coach makes a kill

 * "You nailed it, Coach!"
 * "Nice shot, Coach! Nailed it."

When the Infected approach

 * "Look out, now!"
 * "Hey, watch out!"
 * "Hey heads up!"

CEDA Worker

 * "Well, I'll be damned. Fireproof zombies."
 * "Watch out for the ones in the hazmat suits."
 * "What the hell? These things fireproof?"

Jimmy Gibbs, Jr.

 * [wailing] "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
 * [cheerfully] "Hey, look, it's Jimmy Gibbs Junior!" (or) "Oh, my God, it's Jimmy Gibbs Junior!"

Fallen Survivor

 * "Hold on, that one dropped something."
 * "Whoa, whoa, whoa - what'd that one drop?"
 * "Hey, that one just dropped something, right there."
 * "Get that zombie!"
 * "That zombie has something, kill it!"
 * "Hey, don't let that zombie get away!"
 * "Is that Keith? Oh, wait. No, it's not. Nevermind."

Clown

 * "That clown's bringing friends, man! Take him down!"
 * "Clowns? Clowns. Oh, you have got to be kidding me."
 * "Man, I've never been so scared of clowns."
 * "Hey, take the clown down!"
 * "Hey, take out that clown!"
 * "Hey, we gotta shut that clown up!"

Mudmen
Nick: "I'm with Ellis. I hate these mud people."
 * "Hey, look out! Mudmen, right there!"
 * "I tell ya what, Mudmen take all the fun outta mud."
 * "Yo, I got a new thing I hate: mud people!"
 * "Y'all shittin' me now? Mud people?"
 * "(Look out!/Hey, watch out!) Mudmen!"
 * "MUD PEOPLE?!"

Riot Infected

 * "Aw, hell, now they're bulletproof?!"
 * "Aw, hell, they're bulletproof!"
 * Aw, hell, man they're bulletproof?!"
 * "Hey, you gotta spin 'em around if you want 'em dead!"
 * "Their backs ain't bulletproof!"
 * "Shoot that son of a bitch in the back!"

Smoker

 * Hearing: Note that these lines are not spoken normally, this is because of errors in the programming regarding recognition of zombie classes
 * "Hold up, I hear a Smoker."
 * "Hey people, there's a Smoker 'round here."
 * "Anyone else hear that Smoker?"
 * "I think theres a Smoker here somewhere."
 * Spotted:
 * "It's that smoking dude with the tongue!"
 * "Smoker!"
 * "It's that nasty tongue thing!"
 * "Tonguer!"
 * "Smokin' dude!!"
 * "SMOKER! SMOKER!"
 * Grabbed:
 * "What the hell's got me?!"
 * "Oh, I've been lassoed!"
 * "I can't move…help!"
 * "I'm gettin' dragged away!"
 * "Oh, where's this thing dragging me?"
 * "Daahhgg!"
 * "Motherf…TONGUE!"
 * "NOOOOOOOO!"
 * "No, no...NOOOOOOOO!"
 * Constricted:
 * "Smoker's got me!"
 * "SMO - KER'S - GOT - ME!"
 * "SHOOT THE TONGUE!"
 * "Shoot the―tongue, shoot the tongue—!"

Charger

 * Spotted:
 * "CHARGER!"
 * "One Arm!"
 * "Hey—Big Arm!"
 * "Hey, watch out, man; that thing charges!"
 * Carried away:
 * "Put me down!"
 * "It's got me!"
 * "Where's (he/this thing) takin' me?!"
 * "He is breaking my butt!!"
 * Pummeled:
 * "CHARGER'S GOT ME!"
 * "Shoot the Charger, man, shoot the Charger!"
 * "It's killin' me!"
 * "He's bashing me into shit!"
 * "Aw, hell, it's poundin' me to death!"
 * "Charger's rippin' me up!"
 * "Kill this thing!"
 * "Shoot the damn thing!"
 * "Just shoot it! SHOOT IT!"

Boomer

 * Seeing:
 * "Boomer!"
 * "Boomer! Boomer!"
 * "PUKER!"
 * "It's Exploding Guy!"
 * "Boomer―yeah, Boomer!"


 * Puked On:
 * "Ahhh! I can't see shit!"
 * "Christ in a handbasket! I'm gooed!"
 * "Ah Christ!...I'm all gooed!"
 * "Aww! This stuff sucks!"

Spitter

 * Seeing:
 * "Hey, it's a Spitter!"
 * "SPITTER!"
 * "Spittin' Nasty Thing!"
 * "Hey, it's a Spitter dude!"
 * "That big neck...thing!"
 * "It's that goo guy!"
 * "That loogie dude!"
 * Goo Incoming:
 * "Heads up!
 * "GOO INBOUND!"
 * Gooed:
 * "I got Spitter shit on me!"
 * "Ah—Spitter goo!"
 * "Get outta the Spitter goo!"
 * "Ah, hell, man, Spitter goo!"
 * "Move, move, man, I'm in Spitter shit!"
 * "Goddamn GOO!"
 * "This stuff burns, man!"
 * "Ah, great, now they're spittin' shit at us!"
 * "Yo, somebody's gotta kill that zombie spittin' shit!"
 * "What the hell?...Spittin' fire?"
 * "Hey, run man! This some crazy shit!"

Hunter

 * Hearing:
 * "We got a Hunter!"
 * "I hear a Hunter around."
 * "Careful. Hunter."
 * "Man, I hope we don't meet whoever's making that noise."
 * "Okay, that is not a happy noise."
 * "That sounds like somebody's beatin' a horse."
 * "Worse than zombies?"
 * "What in the hell is making that noise?"
 * Seeing:
 * "HUNTER, HUNTER, HUNTER!"
 * "LEAPER!"
 * "HOODIE DUDE!"
 * Pinned:
 * "GET HIM OFF!"
 * "GET 'IM OFF! GET 'IM OFF ME!"
 * "GET HIM OFF ME, DAMN IT!"
 * "OW! GET―!"
 * "AH― OW!!
 * "OFF!"
 * "GET…!!"

Upon seeing a Hunter attack teammates

 * "Hunter's got Coach!"
 * "Hey, Hunter on Coach!"
 * "Hunter's got Nick!"
 * "Hey, Hunter on Nick!"
 * "Shit, that zombie's got her!"
 * "Hey, one of those things got her!"
 * "Hunter on Rochelle!"
 * "Hunter's got Rochelle!"

Jockey
Nick: "No, it doesn't."
 * Hearing:
 * "Dude, I hear one of them back-humpers around."
 * "Hey, watch your back, Jockey's 'round here."
 * "Fricken' Jockey's around..."
 * "Man, I hate them things."
 * "That's just offensive what they do."
 * Seeing:
 * "JOCKEY!"
 * "Little guy, little guy!"
 * "Back-humper!"
 * "JOCKEY, JOCKEY!"
 * "A Humper!"
 * Ridden On:
 * "GET - THIS - THING - OFF - ME!"
 * "Is this thing humping me?!"
 * "I got a Jockey on me!"
 * "Get this off my back!"
 * "This thing is ridin '  me!"
 * "OW! GET―!"
 * "SUMBITCH IS ON MY BACK!"
 * "GET HIM OFF!
 * "This ain't right havin' this thing on me!"
 * "I CAN'T SEE! GET IT OFF!"
 * Seeing a Survivor with a Jockey on them:
 * "Looks like a monkey on a mule!"
 * "Hey, where's that thing goin' with 'em?"
 * "That's just humiliatin'!"
 * "That don't look dignified!"

Witch

 * Hearing:
 * "Y'all better kill ya lights."
 * "Hey...I hear a witch."
 * "Hey...I hear a witch cryin'."
 * "I'm not― I'm not going near the crying girl."
 * "I don't-- I don't like the sound of that crying."
 * "Seriously, I'm thinkin' we should just leave the crying girl alone."
 * "A crying girl― You think she's cryin' 'cause the mall closed down?"
 * "Hey, do you hear that cryin'? Dude, she don't sound happy."
 * "Let's not go by the crying girl."
 * "Aw, a Witch."
 * "Witch, Witch, Witch."
 * "Crying bitch!"
 * "I hear me a bitch!"
 * "That crying girl's around."
 * [Inside the Sugar Mill] "Nick, you ever seen so many Witches? Ho-lee shit!
 * [Inside the Sugar Mill] "Man, I'm gonna start crying in a minute."

Startled

 * "Aww, shit!"
 * "Oh, shit!"

When another Survivor startles the Witch:

 * “Don't mess with the damn Witch."
 * “Back away from the Witch."
 * "Tell ya, man, y'all playin' with fire when you messin' with that damn Witch."
 * "Oh, shit, man, that Witch is a spaz!"
 * “That Witch is having a hissy fit."

Chased

 * "Run! I pissed her off!"
 * "Witch, Witch, Witch!"
 * “COMING THROUGH! WITCH ON MY ASS!"
 * "Out of my way, man, Witch coming!!"
 * "Shoot her, SHOOT HER!"

Spotted

 * "What in the hell is that?"
 * "Oh, Lordy! That's a big-ass thing!"
 * “Are guns even gonna work against that thing?"
 * “Holy shit, look at that thing!"
 * “That is a big-ass zombie."
 * “Hey, keep shooting, keep shooting!"
 * “Light that mother up!"
 * "Tank, Tank!"
 * "TANK! RUN! No, no, no, don't run...SHOOT!"
 * "Holy shit! TANK!"
 * "TANK TANK TANK!"
 * "TANK TANK RIGHT AHEAD!"
 * "Holy shit! Shit! Tank!"
 * "Kill it man, kill it!"
 * Keep shooting that BITCH!
 * [Only spoken during The Passing in The Port] "SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!"
 * "Kill him!"

Attacked while incapacitated

 * "JESUS CHRIST! SHOOT THIS MOTHER!"
 * "KILL THIS THING!"
 * "This thing's crushing the shit outta me!"
 * "KILL THIS BASTARD WILL YOU?!"

Dead Center

 * "That chopper looks like it's headin' to the evac center over at the mall."
 * "I reckon it's headed to the mall. There's an evacuation center there. Grab some weapons and I'll lead the way."
 * "God damn whirly bird left without us. Look like the whirly bird was heading to the mall across town. I will call it what i like fancy suit"
 * "Hey, come on, now! Quarrelin' amongst ourselves ain't solvin' nothing. Anyway, I think the building's on fire. Maybe we should get movin'."
 * "Everyone grab a weapon. Better to have one and not need it than need one and not have it."
 * [ Seeing the Infected for the first time ] "Dude, those zombies are REAL. I knew them books were nonfiction."
 * "Is that a zombie? Like a, like a― ZOMBIE zombie!?"
 * "These don't look like no Savannahites I ever seen."
 * "Hey guys, according to this map New Orleans is the last city standing."
 * [Inside the elevator] "This some sorta nightmare? Goddamn zombie apocalypse and shit. Shit, shit, shit. What the hell we gonna do?"


 * "Ellis... My name's Ellis."
 * "Folks call me Ellis. I run an auto shop with a couple of my buddies. We're also in a band. I play bass."
 * "My name is Ellis, some people call me El. But I really prefer Ellis 'cause El kinda sounds like a girl's name. But if you prefer to call me El, I guess you can."
 * [When talking to Rochelle] Name's Ellis, nice to meet you, Rochelle.
 * "Folks call me Ellis. I run an auto shop around here. Instead of evacuatin', I armored up a truck to drive myself out of here. Built that thing to be zombie-proof."
 * "Turns out it was only 99 percent zombie-proof. The last one percent tore that truck to SHIT."
 * "I armored up a truck to be zombie-proof. I figured out it was only 99% zombie-proof. The other 1% tore that truck to SHIT."
 * [Talking to Whitaker] "I can understand that, man needs his snacks. [Quietly] Man, this guy's weird."
 * "Sir, in exchange for the use of your weapons, I will get you some Cola."
 * "Cola for guns; I think this is like the reverse of what my school did."
 * [ Seeing a Tank ] "Do guns even do anything to that thing?!"
 * "Maybe the evac center's a little deeper into the mall?"
 * Nick: "Ugh, GOD, I hate malls!"


 * "Now, hold on. You been makin' jokes about Savannah all day long and I've held my tongue. But don't belittle Jimmy Gibbs Jr. That man is the pride of Georgia."
 * "That's Jimmy Gibbs Jr. The greatest driver ever to climb into a stock car."
 * "That right there, ladies and gentlemen, is Mr. Jimmy Gibbs Jr.!"
 * "Ugh, only the best stock car racer who ever lived, Nick. Guess you don't read much history."
 * "Only the greatest stock car racer of all time. Try readin' a book sometime."
 * "Aw, shit, we missed him? You know what, that's the last straw. These zombies have just made themselves an enemy."
 * "That man is an American hero."
 * "If the laws of nature would allow it, I would bear that man's children."
 * "I would take a bullet for that man!"
 * Coach: "Amen!"


 * "Aw, hell. I coulda got my picture taken with Jimmy Gibbs's stock car? I HATE this apocalypse."
 * "Jimmy Gibbs got my vote."
 * "I've got an idea. You know them posters we been seein'? Get your picture taken with Jimmy Gibbs's stock car? That means it's HERE. We just need to appropriate it, and we got ourselves an escape vehicle."
 * "I've got an idea. Jimmy Gibbs Jr. ain't gonna mind if we borrow his stock car. He's a very generous man."
 * "Let's go find Jimmy Gibbs's stock car. We get that thing gassed up, we can drive outta here."
 * "So I been thinking. Jimmy Gibbs's stock car's around here somewhere. We just gotta find it, gas it up, and I'll drive that thing to New Orleans my damn self."
 * [Responding to Nick saying he will drive] "Only if I get killed; otherwise, you better kill me, cause I'M driving." [ALTERNATE LINE] "Actually, I think it should be the guy who came up with the idea that gets to drive the stock car!"
 * [ After noticing infected Jimmy Gibbs Jr. ] "NOOOOOOO!"
 * "Now, remember, they don't fill up these cars at car shows, so we're gonna have to find ourselves some gas."
 * "All right, I'm betting the gas tanks will probably be empty, we're gonna have to gas it up before we haul ass."
 * Coach: "Soon as these doors open, you run your ass off and find some gas." [Alt] "Soon as these doors open, get ready to MOVE."
 * [ Elevator doors open ]
 * "GO GO GO! Find some gas!"
 * Let's go! Let's get this car gassed up!"
 * "Wherever he is, Coach―he's proud of you."
 * [Responding to Coach saying someone else will have to shoot Jimmy Gibbs] "Not me. That man's like a father to me."
 * "Man, never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be gassin' up Jimmy Gibbs's car."
 * "Man I feel like I'm gassin' up royalty."
 * "This is...such an honor."
 * "Jimmy Gibbs Jr., I will do this for you."
 * "I'm gonna be drivin' you reeeeaaal soon, girl."
 * "I'm gonna kill zombies with this gun, or no, this one, or... Shit, man, there's a lot of choices in here."
 * [Car ready before escape from the Atrium ]
 * ​"Everybody get in the damn car!"
 * Let's go, Let's go! [2 versions]
 * Let's go! I'm driving! WOOO!"

Intro
[ Intro with Zoey ] [ Intro with Francis ]
 * "Ho, man, that was the prettiest girl I've ever seen."
 * "Man, oh, man, I jumped Jimmy Gibbs's car through a plate glass window, and I just met the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Nick, shoot me now, brother. Day's never gonna get any better than this."
 * "She is so beautiful...she is so beautiful."
 * "Look at her; she is an an-gel."
 * "Well, hello! Heh..hello... He-howdy, uhh, beautiful weather, huh?... We're having a, uhh... Hubba. Oh, God, I'm too nervous to talk to her, man; one of you better do this."
 * Ellis: "Oh, man, I know! That's what I've been saying. If there is zombies, there have got to be vampires, wolfmen, mummies, aliens...all that shit, man. It just makes sense!"
 * Francis: "That's what I've been saying!"

The Riverbank

 * "Ummm, maybe I'll wait here and keep an eye on my car."
 * "I normally like weddings. This is just weird."
 * "Oh, man. You think she's cryin' cause she got left at the altar?"
 * "Coach...can coaches marry people?"
 * Coach: No, Ellis.


 * "Okay, as far as weddings go, that was the most exciting."
 * "You know what? This got me thinkin'. I should totally marry that girl."


 * "This reminds me, I should totally marry that girl."
 * Whatever that girl looked like,she must have been pretty as the girl I think her name was Zoey...
 * Rochelle: "Is that really how your brain works?"

[ When the Bride Witch attacks ] [ When the Bride Witch is slain ]
 * "This wedding here, I'm taking it as a sign."
 * "Oh, man, I changed my mind! I do not want to get married!"
 * "Runaway bride! Runaway bride!"
 * "Help here! Here comes the bride!"
 * "Oh I changed my mind! I am not gettin' married no more!"
 * "I kinda feel bad for killin' this Witch. The whole thing just makes me feel uncomfortable."

The Underground

 * Ellis: "Man, I keep hopin' we drive somewhere that's not zombie infested."
 * Rochelle: "I keep hoping I wake up from this nightmare."
 * Coach: "Man, I keep hopin' we find an open Burger Tank."
 * Nick: "Whatever."
 * "Man, if you'd a' told me a year ago that I'd be driving Jimmy Gibbs Jr.'s stock car, I would not have believed it. I mean, that is just beyond, man!"
 * Rochelle: "And what about the zombie apocalypse?"


 * Ellis: "Yeah no, I've seen my share of horror movies."


 * "Just a car? Just a car!? That's like saying the Mona Lisa is just a sculpture or shit, man; that's like saying Jimmy Gibbs is just a driver; that's like saying the girl on the bridge is just a little purty―she is an AN-GEL."
 * "Hey, Rochelle, now don't spare my feelin's none... You think I got any shot with that Zoey girl?"
 * "Oh, man, that Zoey girl is never gonna go for a man like me."
 * Ellis: Yeah, I was thinkin' of her, too, Nick. Oh, she is beautiful.


 * Nick: Yeah, agreed, she is totally out of your league.


 * "Let's hurry, man. I miss my car."
 * "I can almost feel her...I mean, the car."
 * "Nick, for the last time, I am NOT leaving it behind."
 * [ When seeing the Midnight Rider's bus ] "Oh, man, I must be seein' things."
 * "Wait, what?!"
 * [  Entering the tattoo parlor ] "Hey, Nick, you and me outta get tattoos that say 'bros'."
 * "Oh, man, I found a candy bar! ...Whup! False alarm!"
 * "I know what it'll be a bad time to cross the plank right now: a Smoker."
 * "Man, I hope Phase Two has rides..."
 * "Last one in is a rotten egg!"
 * "CANNON BALL!"
 * "Rochelle and the biker dude sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
 * Rochelle: "Ellis!"


 * Ellis: "Hey! I saw the way you two looked at each other!"


 * [ Seeing the tour admission fee sign ] "Should we leave some money?"
 * [ Upon entering the sewer water ] "Nick, wasn't that suit supposed to be white?"
 * Nick: "I hate you, Ellis!"


 * Ellis: "Oh. Well, I still like you, Nick."


 * [In response to Nick telling himself it's only a drainage sewer] "Don't smell like it."
 * Nick: "Ellis, I need this".


 * "Don't know why...I was thinkin' there'd at least be a couple of rides in here."

The Port
[ In the Safe Room ] "Hey, Ro, now I don't wanna get your hopes up, but I think that awesome biker dude has a little crush on you."
 * Rochelle: "Well I think someone has a crush on that awesome biker dude."


 * Ellis: " Well I don't doubt it! That is a cool guy!"


 * "Mm-hmm, I saw the way you two were looking at each other. Maybe the four of us can go on a double date."
 * "Don't remind me, Nick. I am a nervous wreck over here."
 * Nick: "What're you nervous about? You had your chance, and you didn't do shit. Now, you can watch Nick take care of business."


 * "How do I look?"
 * Nick: "Like you've been walking through a sewer."


 * Ellis: "Well, you got a turd on your shoulder."


 * Nick: "I'm not even gonna look."

Ellis: Wait, what!?
 * "Zoey, Zoey, Zoey, Zoey, Zoe―I can say that all day long. Zoey, Zoey, Zoey. Man, I just love saying it, really."
 * "Man, I don't know. With the hat, or without it?"
 * "Nick, I don't need that kind of pressure, man."
 * "Ah, nah, she ain't goin' nowhere, that ain't like her."
 * "Yeah, it was like love at first sight. The other four seconds were gravy."
 * "Ro, it's the zombie apocalypse. First datin' days are over. Nick, by the way, I'm gonna have to borrow your suit 'cause we're skippin' right to the marriage, brother, then we're goin' cross country. Just her, me, and the Jimmy Gibbs Jr."
 * Coach: You wanna come with us? We can leave Ellis behind to make room for you guys.


 * Francis: Nice car.
 * Ellis: Yeah, it used to belong to a little person named Jimmy Gibbs Jr. Maybe you heard of him?


 * Francis: Really? You mean that car used to belong to the Taco Dog?

Ellis: I know,... Wait, what? Jimmy Gibbs Jr. was a legend.

Francis: Yup, you got that right. That dog made some damn good tacos. I wonder what ever happened to that dog...

Ellis: Can we not talk about dogs?!


 * [Alternate] Francis: Really? How does she handle?
 * Ellis: Pulls a little to the left.
 * Ellis: Pulls a little to the left.


 * [Upon two Tanks inbound] "HOLY SHIT!!"
 * "Man, I'm gonna kill so many zombies she's gonna have to love me."
 * "I'm going to kill a Tank in her honor; Oo! An' then I'm gonna name it after her."
 * "Oh, man, I wish there was something I could give you back, Zoey!"
 * "A girl who can shoot? I am in love!"
 * "Man, you tell me Zoey don't look good with that gun."
 * "Umph! Tell me Zoey don't look good with that gun."
 * "Tell me she don't look good with that gun."
 * "Hey, nice shot, Zoey!"
 * "Zoey!"
 *  [' While pouring can into the generator] "One more in the gennie!"
 * "This thing can't fit much more!"
 * "Man, I hope that girl is gonna be all right. Man, I hope I didn't break her heart."
 * "Man, I sure hope I get to see her again."
 * "Hey, thanks, Zoey! I won't forget you!"
 * "Thanks, Zoey...I will always remember you."

[ Returning to Jimmy Gibbs's stock car ] "I'm comin'! I'm so sorry I le-he-eft you!"
 * [Alternate] "Man, this is the longest run of my life!"
 * " I'm comin' baby, I'm comin'! "
 * "Zoey, Zoey, Zoey! Man, I just love saying it!"

Dark Carnival

 * [ Beginning of Dark Carnival ] "Sorry, folks. This car is capable of miracles, but it can't drive over 20 miles of parked cars. I think we're walkin'."
 * [ Beginning of Dark Carnival ] "Hey, guys, can I get a minute? Alone. With the car. I got some things that need saying."
 * [ To the stock car ] "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever sat between... I love you..."
 * [ To the stock car ] "Well, this is it. Let's not make it harder than it needs to be. You did good. Thank you."
 * [ To the stock car ] "Well, this is it. Let's not make it harder than it needs to be. You did good. Thank you."


 * Nick: “I hate to be the bearer of bad news guys, but unless Ellis knows how to build a monster truck, we ain't driving through this."
 * Ellis: "Sorry, guys, guess this wasn’t such a hot idea after all."
 * Nick: “Goddamn you, Jimmy Gibbs Jr.!” [Alternate Line] "Don't sweat it, Ellis, at least you got us out of that mall."
 * Ellis: “Now that’s not cool, Nick.” [Alternate Line] "Now that was just uncalled for. Serious."


 * "Dude, if we had my monster truck, we could drive over all this."
 * "I ain't never been so scared of clowns."
 * [ After shooting several stuffed elephants ] "I think I might win somethin'..."
 * "Into the swan maintenance room of love!"
 * "Into the blasted-out hole of love!"
 * [(Rarely) In the air conditioning duct] "From what I know of videogames, there's gonna be somethin' cool in here."
 * "From what I know of videogames, vent crawlin' is a good thing."
 * "If videogames have taught me anything, it's that you can always find cool shit in vents."
 * [ Upon seeing the sign leading into Kiddie Land ] "Check it out―Kiddie Land!"
 * [ Upon seeing the sign leading into Kiddie Land ] "Holy SHIT, guys, KIDDIE LAND!"


 * Coach: "I swear, doesn't it sometimes feel like we're babysitting?"


 * Rochelle: Well, he is making the best of a bad situation.
 * Nick: "He's like a five-year-old with guns. And a comprehensive grasp of every swearword in the English language."
 * Rochelle: "I wish I could be that happy... Oh, to hell with it! WHOOO, KIDDIE LAND!"


 * "Ain't nobody been swimmin' in this pool for a while."
 * "Dude, they got the park all lit up!"
 * That'd be Whispering Oaks Amusement Park, right there!"
 * "People got to be in that park."
 * "Coach, you're breathing a little hard. You okay?"
 * "Look at those poor people. All they wanted to do was go for a swim."
 * "I never once thought a merry-go-round would turn on me."
 * "I mean, what is this world coming to when you dread a merry-go-round?"
 * "Can we stop and make some cotton candy? Seriously."
 * "I saw 'em in '07. Front row center! Lost my eyebrows."
 * "I heard when they play, you can see the show from SPACE!"
 * "I heard they have to cancel the show if there's a breeze, 'cause any town downwind'll catch on fire!"
 * "'Stay on That Mountain'! First single off their Ten Past Midnight album. I love that song."
 * "Uh, yeah, they're a pretty big deal, alright."
 * "Man, would you look at all these rides? And no LINES! Wish we weren't in such a hurry."
 * "It's like we bought the park and got every ride to ourselves! That's the third thing I was gonna do if I ever won the lottery."
 * "I wanna ride one! Just one! Just lemme ride the Screaming Oak once. Man, when we ever gonna be here again?"
 * "Man, how can you not like Lil' Peanut? I love this little guy!"
 * "You guys are jaded. I used to have his toys when I was just bite-sized. That little stuffed peanut was the best friend a boy could have."
 * "One thing video games have taught me, good shit always comes in vents."
 * "A little vent crawlin'."
 * [ When entering the Tunnel of Love ] "Dang, look at Nick's jacket (laughs)."
 * "This ain't that kinda ride, Nick. [Whispering] This is where you make out with your girlfriend."
 * "We have to run The Coaster? Holy shit, it's Christmas!"
 * "Aw, man, that's the Screaming Oak!"
 * "Chk-chk-chk-chk"
 * "Nick, remember the time we ran across the top of a roller coaster?"
 * "What next? Dinosaurs flying down from the sky and shooting lasers out of their eyes?"
 * [ After Coach explains the plan in Stage 5 ] "So we gotta set up to rock and then fight zombies? This is the best day of my life!"
 * "And that'll signal the chopper pilot! Man, this is gonna be like the...fourth time the Midnight Riders have saved my life!"
 * [ When standing in front of the microphone ] "Every lady's crazy when her daddy's not around... Gotta reach for the top, stay on the mountain... Check one, check one, two."
 * "I always wanted to run to a helicopter during a guitar solo! Just like in a music video!"
 * [ When the helicopter arrives ] "See that? The Midnight Riders' music saves lives!"

Swamp Fever
Rochelle: "No indoor plumbing." Ellis: "They figured out how to stop going to the bathroom? Man that is amazing! …Oh. No, wait…oh, I just got that. Shit, that's gross as hell."
 * Ellis: "Man, if y'all ask me, these swamp people got it all figured out. No cops, no rules..."
 * Ellis: "Hey, guys, be honest: are my muscles getting bigger?"

Plank Country
Nick: "Well he wasn't doing a very good job once he became a zombie, now, was he?" Ellis: "True, true, he was a zombie, but he was also our only pilot." Nick: "I shot a zombie. He was a zombie, Ellis. He must have gotten bitten before he picked us up." Nick: "I can't believe none of you were going to shoot him." Coach: "'Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...'"
 * Discussing the Infected pilot:
 * Ellis: "Nick, what the hell?! You shot the pilot!"
 * Ellis: "Oh, man, that was some crazy shit! Nick, you are a man of ACTION! …Where the hell are we?"
 * [Reading the Gator Danger sign next to the strung-up Charger] "Swim with gators? Why no thank you."
 * "Oh, now that's smart. Zombies can't operate a ferry."
 * [ While traveling on the cable ferry ]
 * Ellis: "Coach? Any inspirational words while we enter the swamp?"
 * Ellis: "Yeah! I'm walkin' in that valley'n I'm kickin' some ass!" (or) "Okay, kinda hopin' you wouldn't get all (biblical/fire-and-brimstone) on me."
 * Nick: "Let's not get all poetic."
 * Ellis: "No, man, I wanna hear the rest!"
 * Rochelle: "Ellis, does your tattoo mean anything?"
 * Ellis: "Oh, this here? That says I'm a badass zombie-killing machine."
 * Rochelle: [sarcastically] "You must have amazing foresight to have gotten that."
 * "Left or right, my friends?"
 * "Tour ended here. I think we gotta keep moving."
 * [ Viewing litter near the first saferoom ] "All this litter is shameful…"

Hard Rain
Ellis: "Ooh there's flares in the gun bag."
 * [ Passing many Witches in The Sugar Mill ] "Shit...I'm about to start crying in a minute."
 * "Nick, you ever seen so many Witches? Ho-lee shit!"
 * [ When looking down at the gas station in Hard Rain ] "All right, there's the gas station. All we gotta do is pass through this cane field."
 * [ Responding to Rochelle's comment about an incoming storm ] "Don't nobody wander off!"
 * [ Seeing flooded town in Hard Rain. ] "It's the goddamn city of Atlantis." [Alternate Line] "It's like a fabled city of Atlantis."
 * [ When the rain begins in Milltown ] "Is it raining? Oh, never mind, it is."
 * [ When Virgil's boat is in sight ] "Virgil, what's up, brother!"
 * Nick: "So, what're we suppose to signal him with?"

Nick: "What gun bag?"

Ellis: "You forgot the guns?"

Nick: "Me? Who died and made me gun monitor?"

Ellis: "Pretty much everybody."

The Waterfront

 * "That Virgil is a goddamn hero, going back there when we are so close. Let's get to that bridge...for Virgil."
 * "Jets. Jets mean people!"
 * [ When sees an alarm car ] "Ya'll better not shoot the car."
 * [ Upon seeing the buses at the bus station ] "Did I ever tell you guys about the time my grandpa took me on a bus to Memphis to visit Graceland, and we―"
 * Nick: "Ellis, Ellis! We don't have time for that right now!"
 * Ellis: "Okay. But I do love goin' on bus rides."
 * [Alternate Line] "You ain't never been to Graceland, Nick? Man, y'all should've come, we had so much fun!"
 * [Alternate line] "All right, Nick. But how about this: did ya know Graceland ain't nothin' but a little house in the ghetto."


 * "I love camping, but this here don't look fun."
 * "This here doesn't look like a fun campout."

The Park
Nick: "Ever eaten horse? It's tasty."
 * [ When seeing the statue of Andrew Jackson ] "Man, I wish we had a horse right now. I loooove horses."
 * Ellis: "Who ain't right in the head now?"
 * [Alternate Line] "Horses are for ridin', not eatin', Nick."
 * Ellis: "Horse!"
 * Nick: "Nice observation, Ellis."

The Cemetery

 * "Goddamn! Another one just went off!"
 * [ If shooting an alarm car in the impound lot ] "That was definitely not me."/ "I swear that wasn't me!"
 * "I'll tell you what'd be real bad right now: a Tank."
 * "Do you know why they bury them aboveground?"
 * "They bury them like this 'cause they're under sea level."
 * "It's like a whole city of crypts."
 * "It's a little city of graves."
 * "Man, look at that helicopter."
 * "Why'd you think it crashed?"
 * "All these alarm cars, it's like a puzzle!"

Too many car alarms triggered

 * "WELL, FINE, THEN, THERE, I'LL SHOOT A DAMN CAR!"

Graveyard

 * "Oh, man, I hope we don't see no ghosts."
 * Nick: "Ellis, you're carrying like ten different guns."
 * Ellis: "You can't shoot a ghost, Nick. I mean, shit, it ain't rocket science, man."


 * "I guess we're gonna visit that graveyard. It's kinda spooky."
 * "I guess we're gonna have to visit that graveyard."
 * "Whoa! That was cool and all, but shit!"
 * "Well, I guess we can't go that way."
 * [ When going through The Cemetery ] "Man, if these were real zombies, going into this graveyard would be like death."
 * "Don't trolls live under here?"
 * "They're infected."

The Quarter

 * "Hey, Nick? They can't hear you, because they're in jet planes."
 * [ When approaching toilets on Parish ] Coach: "Aww, man, stinks 'a piss..."
 * [Alternate Line] Nick: "Oh man it, smells awful in here." / "It smells like...piss."
 * Ellis: "I dunno. Smells kinda nice."/"I think it smells kinda nice."
 * Nick: "You're screwed up in the head, you know that?"/"Goddammit, you are messed up."/"You are messed up."


 * Coach: [Reading notice] "'Report the sick'..."
 * Ellis: "'Report the sick'?"
 * Rochelle: "Don't worry, Ellis; they mean the flu, not in the head."


 * [After a close bombing run] "HEY, STOP WITH THE BOMBING!"
 * "PLEASE DO NOT BOMB US!"

Friendly Fire

 * "Man, why you shooting me? Shoot zombies, not me!"
 * "Ya know, shooting me ain't gonna help nothin'."
 * "Jumpin' Jesus, man! What are you doing?"
 * "Hey, we're on the same team, man!"
 * "Stop shooting me, it won't help you anyway."
 * "You'll do that again and I'll knock you into next week."
 * "C'mon, watch it! Damn!".
 * "I'm not a zombie. Shoot the zombies."
 * "I'm not a zombie, man; shoot the zombies!."
 * "Whoa-whoa, whoa, that hurts!"
 * "What was that for?"
 * "You shot me."
 * "Would you mind not shootin' me, please?"
 * "Damn, man, quit shootin' me."
 * "Quit shootin' me, man."
 * "Hey, that's not cool... Seriously."
 * "Hey, those bullets hurt, you know."
 * "Why in the hell y'all keep shooting me?"
 * "Come on, man, it's not funny anymore!"
 * "I know you shot me."
 * "I'm so mad, I could.... shit out a squealin' worm!"
 * "I'm gettin' so mad, I could shit a squealin' worm, man!"
 * "Sorry, sun was in my eyes."
 * "Hey, man, that hit me!"
 * "Why don't we save them bullets for the zombies!"
 * "Okay, stop shootin' me!"
 * "You're shootin' me!...Well, that just dills my pickle!"
 * "Hey, let's stop shootin' each other, please?"
 * "In case y'all didn't know, it hurts to get shot!"
 * "Shoot the zombies, man, shoot the zombies."
 * "Let's not shoot each other!"
 * "Don't be shootin me!"

from Rochelle

 * "Mam!You wanna show me how to work that thing."
 * "Rochelle! Stop girl!"
 * "Okay Rochelle, I know that was you shooting me."
 * "Come on girl, I thought we were closer on that!"

from Coach

 * Yo Coach! Stop shooting me!
 * I can see you worth a shooting coach.

from Nick

 * "Nick! Did you mean to do that?"
 * "Nick, I know that was you shooting me."

Scavenge

 * [ Upon a Scavenge match start ] "Go, go, go, go, go, grab some gas!"
 * [ Upon picking up a gas can in a Scavenge match ] "Got it!"
 * "I got one."
 * [ After winning a Scavenge match ] "YEAH, GET SOME, BABY, GET SOME!"
 * [ After winning a Scavenge match ] "I ain't no goddamn son of a bitch! You better think about THAT, baby!"

Badwater Basin

 * "What the hell is that? A bomb?"
 * "Dude, this is JUST like Team Fortress 2!"
 * "Push the cart!"
 * "Gotta push the cart!"
 * "I wished I had a Team Fortress 2 hat."

Diescraper Redux

 * "It's gonna be a hell of a night!"
 * "A movie theater? Man, to think I laughed when I saw that zombie movie."
 * "It's windy out there." (The helipad outside of the skyscaper)

Cold-theme lines

 * "It sure is cold out here."
 * "Hey, guys...SNOWBALL FIGHT!"

Train-theme lines

 * "Everyone to the station!"
 * "To the train station!"
 * "All aboard!"
 * "All abooard! Whoop whoop! I always wanted to do that."

Ghost-theme lines

 * "Ghosts!"
 * "Zombies and ghosts? Oh, man, this is gonna be cool!"