Francis/Quotes and Captions

A list of Francis' Quotes and cut quotes, also known as Captions in Left 4 Dead.

Intro

 * [ As Bill inspects the mysterious green goo ] "Jeez, don't let that stop you from smearing it all over yourself."
 * "Goddammit, Bill! Augh, it stinks!"
 * "Stick together!"
 * [ Before shooting the Smoker that dragging Bill ] "Hang on!"
 * [ After Helping Bill up ] "Merry Christmas."
 * [ Waiting for the Tank to come around a corner ] "Come on, come on!"

General

 * "Everybody havin' as much fun as me?"
 * "Killin' vampires looked easier in the brochure didn't it?"
 * "Any zombie fight you can crawl away from means you won it."
 * "Is anyone there? Marco!"
 * "We're almost there!"
 * "[Nervously humming] One hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer...kill a zombie, chug it downnnnnnnn...ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall. mmmm-mmm-mmmmm-mmninety-nine bottles of beer, kill another zombie..."
 * "Whoah. Nice shot."
 * "I hate lawyers. When are they gonna get done practicing law?"
 * "A-frickin'-men."
 * "Personally I'm happy to keep fighting, but YOU ladies might wanna lock the door!"
 * [ When everyone is in the Safe Room ] "Lock the goddamn door!" (Note: The captions say "goddman", this is a typo)
 * [ Nearing a Safe Room ] "Safe house, let's go!

[ When arriving in a finale ]
 * "We're almost there!"
 * "See, I told you I'd get us out of here!"
 * "Now, there's a sight for sore eyes, huh? Looks like we're gonna make it kids!"
 * "Hey, we're almost outta this shit hole. I told you I'd get you outta here!"
 * "This way kids!"


 * "I'm comin' Bill, keep your beard on!"
 * "Most people do anything if a cop tells 'em to."
 * "If we meet anyone, tell 'em we're cops."
 * [ In response to a generic "how long" remark ] "Long enough to know you have a pretty mouth."

Cut

 * "Beer."
 * "Come to daddy."
 * "I'll take that."
 * "Don't mind if I do."
 * "Zoey, stop checkin' me out."
 * "If you survive, maybe God's tryin' to tell ya something."
 * "Forty years ago you woulda been, what, a hundred?"
 * "Jesus Christ. That's the sound of you NOT complaining?"
 * "You were at the battle of Hue?"
 * "I'm kidding. I have no idea what that is."
 * "Beats standin' around in a forest. Let's go."
 * "Nice park job."
 * "Ooh, another great park job."
 * "Barricades, huh? Wonder how *that* worked out for 'em?"
 * "Why would you think that?"
 * "You kids and your stupid movies."
 * "Is that another line from a movie?"
 * "Yes sir, Colonel."
 * "Aye Aye, Captain."
 * "Why the hell would you think you need to shoot them in the head?"
 * "Don't that shit beat all?"
 * "To think I used to get in trouble for this shit."
 * "Keep talkin', Louis..."
 * "I don't care what these things are, I'm just killin' em all."
 * "Kill em all and let God sort em out."
 * "I hate zombies."
 * "I hate smokers."
 * "I hate boomers."
 * "I hate hunters."
 * "I hate tanks."
 * "I hate witches."
 * "I hate helicopter pilots."
 * "I hate witches, and this dead thing."
 * "Don't make me beat your ass."
 * "Louie, this is as good as it's gonna get."
 * "Don't give me that shit."
 * "You can call 'em Princess Diana, I'm still gonna blow their heads off"
 * "Keep an eye on Bill, he don't look so hot."
 * "Sweety, wanna give Bill your health kit?"
 * "Okay, gangster."
 * "Whatever, Louis."
 * "Zoey, listen to Bill."
 * "What the hell are you two talking about?"
 * "This shit's all wrong."
 * "I really hate hunters."
 * "I hate whispering."
 * "Don't think this means anything. This is just pillow talk baby."
 * "Seriously, what?"
 * "I always wanted to be a cop."
 * "Trust me. Just tell everybody we're cops."
 * "What's so funny?"
 * "Bill, do I gotta carry you up these damn stairs?"

Generic responses

 * "What?"
 * "Sure, why not?"
 * "That sounds about right."
 * "Allright, then, let's do it."
 * "Good thinking."
 * "Ah shit, here we go again."
 * "Go to hell."
 * "I say we just do it."
 * "It's Francis!"
 * "Come on, man, it's Francis!"

Cut

 * "Yeah, well, get over it."
 * "Yer kidding, right?"
 * "What the hell are you talkin' about?"
 * "I'll say."
 * "If you say so."
 * "Hey everybody, raise your hand if you think that's a good idea."
 * "You're sure about this, right?"
 * "Okay..."
 * "Hell yes."
 * "Hell if I know."
 * "I'm gonna let you handle that."
 * "That's actually a good point."
 * "Sure thing, bro."
 * "I'm not listenin' to you..."
 * "Shut up old man."
 * "Hey, Tie-guy! shut up!"
 * "Girly, SHUT UP!"

The following are lines used on the PC "commands" and "responces" lists when (by default) typing Z or X.

"Yes" responses

 * "Yes."
 * "Roger that, good buddy."
 * "That sounds about right."
 * "Alright"

"No" responses

 * "No."
 * "No can do."
 * "No sir-ee bob."
 * "No way, Jose."
 * "Negatory."
 * "Hell no!"

"Hurrah" responses

 * "We are UNSTOPPABLE!
 * "'Hell yeah!"

"Arrgh" responses

 * "F-ing hell!"
 * "That's bad."

"Wait" responses

 * "I'm tired of running from these pussies."

"Thank you" responses

 * Thanks.

"Let's go" commands

 * "Let's go break stuff!"
 * "Let's go kill something!"
 * "Get your rear in gear!"
 * "HOLY SHIT! RUUUUUNNNN!"

"Lead on" commands

 * "I'll follow you."

"Look" commands (Close)

 * "Check this shit out."
 * "Well hell! Look at this!"
 * "What the hell is this?"
 * "Somebody better check this out."

"Look" commands (Distance)

 * "Over there."
 * "Look!"
 * "Look at this!"

"Hurry up" commands

 * "Hurry!"
 * "Hurry it up!"

Health related

 * "Someone should use their health pack."
 * "Zoey, darlin', you should heal up."
 * "Bill, man', heal up."
 * "Old man, use your health kit."
 * "Louis, heal for Christ's sake."
 * "Hey Louie, use your health kit."

After healing another Survivor

 * "I told you I'd take care of you!"
 * "Yeah, I'm pretty awesome."
 * "No, thank YOU!"

Upon being helped up after being incapacitated

 * "Yeah... good thing I'm indestructible."
 * "Ugh... How's my face?"
 * "Shit! I hope I don't need all that blood."
 * "I'm okay."
 * "No, no, I'm all right."
 * "Hell if I know."
 * "Ah, hey, is this my blood?"
 * "I'll make it."
 * "I'll live, I'll live."
 * "Uh, how's my face?"
 * "I've been better."
 * "You should see the other hundred guys."
 * "You think they'll call us heroes someday?"

Cut

 * "If I go down, promise you'll go on without me, get help, then come back and save me."
 * "Zoey, promise me you'll take care of Bill for me..."
 * "You think they'll call us heroes someday? We are savin' humanity, right? A very small, four-person chunk of it, but still."

On low health

 * "Bill, can I borrow your medkit? I just want to look at it."
 * "Louis, don't bogart that health kit, man. I'm hurt!
 * "Hey, little lady, if you ain't gonna use that health kit, could I use it?"
 * "Anyone have some first aid? I'm about to die!"
 * "I don't wanna sound like a sissy, but I'm hurt bad."
 * "Even my ass hurts."
 * "I feel like shit."
 * "I'm feelin' pretty shitty and a little woozy. The woozy is kinda fun."
 * "I don't feel so good."
 * "I ain't doing so good."
 * "Shit, this just hurts."
 * "I'm pretty hosed."
 * "Killed by vampires. What a goddamn disgrace."
 * "I've - I've felt better."
 * "Man, I feel like you guys look."
 * "This is turning into one of those days."
 * "Hey Louis, you look like shit!"
 * "I don't - I don't know if I am going to make it."
 * "I have definitely felt better."
 * "I need to get patched up."
 * "This is startin' to get to me."
 * "I ain't gonna make it much further."
 * "I think I'm pretty screwed up."
 * "I'm hurtin'."
 * "Dammit, I am messed up."
 * "Oooh mama, this hurts."
 * "I feel terrible."
 * "God, I feel awful."
 * "I think I'm gonna puke."
 * "Sheeet, I ain't gonna make it."
 * "Shit, I just hurt."
 * "I feel pretty crappy."
 * "I feel like guys look after I've punched them in the face."
 * "Anyone have some first aid? I'm about to die."
 * "Sure could use a med kit. Just sayin'."
 * "Can anyone patch me up?"
 * "Ahh - hey, somone wanna patch me up?"
 * "Shit..."
 * "Ah christ this hurts like hell."
 * "Goddammit, this hurts."
 * "I ain't gonna let these goddamn vampires beat me."
 * "Ow. God DAMMIT!"
 * "Ah man, somethin' don't feel right"
 * "This hurts."

Cut

 * "I gotta get some first aid."
 * "I need to score a medkit."
 * "Christ, I need a med kit."
 * "I ain't gonna make it."
 * "Louis, any chance you can spot me a med kit?"
 * "Ugh.. I'm bleeding.. got anything positive to say about that, mr. positive?"
 * "Bill, I kinda need that med kit you been hoardin'."
 * "Hey Zoey, spare a med kit for a dyin' man?"
 * "Ow. God DAMMIT!"

When helping up an incapacitated Survivor

 * "Hang on, hang on, I'm here. Relax, I gotcha. Get up. Get up now. We gotta move."
 * "Woah, I thought you were hosed for sure, but I think I can get you back on your feet."
 * "Come on, lazy - can't have ya laying around all day. We gotta get moving. Let me get you up."
 * "You look like shit, but I think I can get you up on your feet enough to keep moving."
 * "C'mon, let's get you on your feet. You look pretty messed up, but that might help you out a little if you know what I mean."
 * "Hold on. I'm gonna get you up!"
 * "Don't worry, don't worry, we all go down sometime. Lemme get you up."
 * "Didn't think you were gettin' back up."
 * "Get the hell up, Bill!"
 * "Zoey, let's go, get up!"
 * "C'mon Bill, get up!"
 * "Get up, Louis!"
 * "C'mon Zoey, get the hell up!"
 * "Let's go, Louis. Get up!"
 * "I ain't gonna carry you, Bill. Get the hell up!"
 * "Let's go, Bill. Up an' at 'em!"
 * "Come on, come on! Get up!"
 * "Get your ass up, let's go!"
 * "Come on, come on! Get up!"

Cut

 * "Yer a little tougher than ya look. Get up."
 * "Come on, you can still do this!"
 * "You ain't gonna be much help down there. Lemme get ya up."
 * "Nap time's over. Let's get you up. We gotta keep going."
 * "Nap time's over, sweetie. Let's get you up. We gotta keep going."
 * "If you think we look bad, take a look at the other guys."
 * "Jesus. Human body's only got nine pints of blood in it. You might want to, like, save some in a cup or something."
 * "You did good back there. Right up to the point where all the zombies attacked and, you know, almost killed ya."
 * "Zombie killin's harder than it looks, innit?"
 * "Ahhh, you'll be fine. I'm pretty sure you're supposed to be able to see that bone."
 * "Let's get you patched up so you can go die someplace nicer."

When helping up an incapacitated Survivor on their last life

 * "I gotcha, I gotcha. Man, you took a real beatin'. We gotta find you some first aid, cuz you go down like this again and it's over."
 * "No worries - I gotcha, I gotcha. Man, you took a real beatin'. We gotta find you some first aid, cuz you go down like this again and it's over."
 * "Okay, okay. Come on. Man, you are on death's door. We gotta get you some first aid, cuz you go down like this again and it's over."
 * "Ah shit, I can't lie, you are messed up bad. We gotta get you some first aid, cuz you go down like this again and it's over."
 * "I can help you up, but you ain't gonna last. We gotta get you some first aid, cuz you go down like this again and it's over."
 * "Okay, let's get you - Oh, man, they really tore you up. We gotta get you some first aid, cuz you go down like this again and it's over."
 * "I can get you up, but oh shit, We gotta get you some first aid, cuz you go down like this again and it's over."
 * "Relax, I gotcha. But, shit, we gotta get you some first aid, cuz you go down like this again and it's over."

Grabbing pills

 * "Hey, a little pick me up."
 * "Grabbin pills."
 * "Might need these."

Giving pills away

 * "Merry Christmas."
 * "Share the wealth, brother."
 * "I got something for you."
 * "Here, take this."
 * "Hold up, I got something for you."
 * "Take this."
 * "Take it. Hell, I don't need it."

When healing

 * "Watch my back! But don't stare at my ass."
 * "Watch my back."
 * "Wait up. I'm healing."
 * "Cover my ass."

Upon seeing Bill's body

 * "Goodbye, old man..."
 * "Rest in peace, old man."
 * "Bill's gone!"
 * "Shit, I'm gonna miss the old guy."

Upon seeing Louis's body

 * "The manager is down for the count."
 * "Ahhh. the manager's down for the count."
 * "Ah shit, I was just starting to like that guy."
 * "Shit, I was just starting to like that guy."
 * "Damn it, he didn't deserve this."

Upon seeing Zoey's body

 * "Oh God, not Zoey."
 * "Ah hell, she's dead."
 * "Ahh, Zoey. No."
 * "Ahh damnit, not Zoey."

Cut

 * "She's dead."
 * "Dammit.... That lady was..."
 * "She's gone."
 * "She's, she's gone."
 * "Ah hell, she's dead."
 * "Goddamn, Zoey's dead!"

If someone is left incapacitated outside the Safe Room

 * "Are we just gonna leave someone behind?"

Cut

 * "We gotta get back out there."
 * "We gotta heal up and get back out there."
 * "Helpin' is half the fun."
 * "Well shit, kill zombies in here or out there. Let's go."
 * "C'mon girls, let's heal up and get back out there."
 * "Let's go kill some zombies."
 * "Let's go kill some vampires."
 * "Hell with this. Let's go kill some zombies."
 * "Screw this. Let's go kill some vampires."
 * "I'm bored. Let's go kill some zombies."
 * "I'm bored. Let's go kill some vampires."
 * "Hey, old people, I ain't standin' around while" He/She "dies!"

If two or three surivors are incapacitated while Francis is in the Safe Room

 * "Ahh shit, I just can't sit here and wait for them to die."

If Louis is left incapacitated outside the Safe Room

 * "We're just leaving Louis out there? I mean, I'm cool with that if everyone else is."
 * "We should maybe go get Louis. I'm just sayin'..."

Cut

 * "I don't know man, I don't think we need any more bankers."
 * "Go to hell, mr. positive."
 * "Hey, Power Tie, get in here!"

If Zoey is incapacitated outside a Safe Room and no one is helping her

 * "We can not leave her out there!"
 * "We can't leave Zoey out there."

Cut

 * "Hey, girl, get in here!"
 * "Hey, old man, aren't you gonna' help her?"

If Bill is incapacitated outside a Safe Room and no one is helping him

 * "We just leavin' Bill out there?"
 * "He isn't going to make it on his own, we have to help him!"
 * "I guess we go on without Bill then?"
 * "So, we're just leavin' him out there?"
 * "That old man wouldn't leave one of US out there."

Cut

 * "Hey, Adult Diapers, move!"
 * "Hey, Old Folks Home, get in here!"

If he is incapacitated outside Safe Room while everyone else is in

 * "Get the hell outta there and HELP ME!"
 * "Are you gonna freaking help me?!"
 * "Yer going to leave me out here?"

Looking at pipe bomb

 * "Pipe bomb over here!"
 * "There's a pipe bomb over here." (Captions omit the word 'over' )
 * "Pipe bombs!"

Grabbing pipe bomb

 * "Ah great, homemade explosives."
 * "This'll blow some shit up."
 * "Grabbing a pipe bomb."
 * "This'll blow the crap outta something."

Throwing pipe bomb

 * "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

Picking up shotgun

 * "Shotgun! Alright folks, I'm on crowd control."
 * "I'll take this room sweeper."
 * "Grabbing a shotgun."

Picking up auto shotgun

 * "Got an auto shotgun."
 * "Come to daddy, my sweet shotgun."
 * "Now this is a shotgun I can love."
 * "Those bastards think they're sick now, wait'll they get a taste of this."
 * "Huh, this shotgun is more my style."
 * Francis: "Groovy."
 * Zoey: "[Imitating] Groovy."
 * Francis: "A-FRICKIN'-men."
 * Francis: "Groovy."
 * Louis/Zoey: [Short laugh]
 * Francis: "What's so funny? It is groovy."

Upon picking up a Submachine Gun

 * "Whoah, full auto! Everybody stand back."
 * "Full auto! Right on!"
 * "Grabbing a machinegun."

Grabbing pistol

 * "A little double pistol action."
 * "Double my fun."
 * "Two pistols. Hell yeah."
 * "I'm taking an extra pistol."

Grabbing a hunting rifle

 * "Now that is a sweet-ass scope."
 * "A hunting rifle. Nice."

Grabbing an assault rifle

 * "This oughtta put the fear a' God in 'em."
 * "Gonna rack some up with this assault rifle."
 * "This assault rifle should help."
 * "I'm grabbing this rifle."
 * "Cool"

Looking at Molotov

 * "Molotovs!"
 * "Molotov's over here!"
 * "Molotovs over here."

Grabbing Molotov

 * "All right, cocktails!"
 * "Grabbing a Molotov."
 * "Fire!"

Throwing Molotov

 * "GRENADE!"

Boomer

 * [ Responding to a nearby Boomer ] "Hear that Boomer? I'm gonna kill his ass."
 * [ Responding to a nearby Boomer ] "Watch it. We got a Boomer."
 * [ Spotting Boomer ] "BOOMER!"
 * [ Puked on ] "Holy Jesus! That's bad!"
 * [ Puked on ] "He puked on me!"
 * [ Puked on ] "Eh, yech!"
 * [ Puked on ] "Ewwwww...ah shit! Yech!"
 * [ Puked on ] "Shit."

Hunter

 * [ Responding to a nearby Hunter ] "Yeah, you better hide! Sweatshirt-wearin' little wuss..."
 * [ Responding to a nearby Hunter ] "I hear a Hunter. Come on out, wussy..."
 * [ Responding to a nearby Hunter ] "Sounds like a freakin' Hunter."
 * [ Responding to a nearby Hunter ] "There's a Hunter someplace around here."
 * [ Spotting Hunter ] "HUNTER!"
 * [ Pounced on ] "Get him off!"

Smoker

 * [ Responding to a nearby Smoker ] "Smoker. Hah, he's gonna have to use that tongue to choke my foot out of his ass."
 * " [Sing-song] Sounds like a smoker."
 * [ Spotting Smoker ] "SMOKER!"
 * [ Being pulled by Smoker ] "No, no, NO, NOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Tank

 * [ Being attacked by a Tank ] "Shit, I need some help."
 * [ Being attacked by a Tank ] "This thing's killing me!"
 * [ Being attacked by a Tank ] "Get this thing off me!"
 * [ Being attacked by a Tank ] "I got a Tank on me!"

Witch

 * [ Responding to a nearby Witch ] "Hear that Witch? I'm gonna give her something to cry about..."
 * [ Responding to a nearby Witch ] "A Witch! [Sniffs] And she's close."
 * [ Responding to a nearby Witch ] "I hear a Witch. Turn your light off!"
 * [ When a Witch growls ] "You got a death wish? Leave that Witch alone!"
 * [ When a Witch growls ] "Oh shit, the witch is gettin' riled up!"
 * [ Responding to an angry Witch  ] "Stop spooking that effin' witch!"

Horde

 * [ Responding to zombies not vampires ] "Yeah, whatever you say, professor monster."
 * "Where the hell did all these vampires come from?"
 * [ Responding to incoming horde ] "Here they come!"
 * [ Responding to incoming horde  ] "This is gonna be good."
 * [ Responding to incoming horde  ] "Watch your ass!"
 * [ Responding to incoming horde ] "Shit, get ready!"
 * [ Responding to incoming horde ] "Holy shit! Here they come!"
 * [ Responding to incoming horde ] "INCOMING!"
 * [ Responding to incoming horde ] "Get ready, ladies!"
 * [ Upon Alerting the Horde ] "Effin' hell."

Killing Special Infected

 * "That's mine."
 * "Down!"
 * "Dead!"
 * "Nailed it!"
 * "Popped it!"
 * "Got it!"
 * "Popped a cap in his ass"

Another Survivor Kills Special Infected

 * "Good shot!"
 * "Nice shot!"
 * "Woah! Nice shot!"
 * "Great shot!"

The Subway

 * "I hate subways."

The Sewer

 * "We've got to get to the hospital."
 * "Get on the lift!"
 * Bill: "Francis, is that you or the sewer?" / Louis: "Phew, Francis!"
 * Francis: "Hey! hey!" / "Oh hey, that is uncalled for!"
 * "Now this is some shit."
 * "I hate sewers."
 * "Into the hospital!"
 * "There's a safe house in the hospital!"

Cut

 * "Hit the button!"

The Hospital

 * "I hate hospitals."
 * "I hate stairs."
 * "Get on the elevator!"
 * Francis: "I'm getting sick of these dumbass vampires."
 * Bill: "They're zombies Francis."
 * Francis: "Whatever."
 * Francis: "The biggest mystery about this vampire outbreak is which one of you jackasses just beefed?"
 * Zoey: "Oops, sorry!"
 * Bill: "We been immune so far, but - well, if I start to turn, promise you'll shoot me."
 * Francis: "What if just your beard starts to turn? Can I shoot that?"
 * Bill: "You are an idiot." / "A few years in the service mighta slimmed you down and shut you up, Francis."
 * Francis: "I hate elevators. I hate helicopters. I hate hospitals. And doctors and lawyers and cops..."
 * Bill: "Francis, is there anything you don't hate?"
 * Francis: "You know what I don't hate? I don't hate vests."
 * Bill: "I have a bad feeling about this."
 * Francis: "Hey, look on the bright side: even if you don't make it, I'll still be really handsome."
 * Bill: "[Short laugh]"

Cut

 * "So, how's yer beard holdin' up, Bill?"
 * "God.. Bill, I pressed the goddamn button!"
 * "I already pressed the damn button."
 * "Yeah, it'll probably come quicker if ya keep pressin it."
 * "Hey jackass, I already pressed the damn button."
 * "Yeah, it'll probably come quicker if you just keep pressin' it."

Rooftop Finale

 * Zoey: "That helicopter pilot better be here."
 * Francis: "If he ain't, at least we'll die with a nice view of the city."
 * "The chopper's here! Let's go!"
 * "The chopper's here! About time, too..."
 * "Everybody to the chopper!"
 * "Get to the chopper!"
 * "Through here!"
 * "We're almost there!"

Cut

 * "Louis, try not to blow up the helicopter..."
 * "Run to the chopper! NOW!"
 * "To the chopper, to the chopper!"
 * "Into the Hate-A-Chopper!"

Crash Course
Louis: "Great. What is it?"
 * [ Start of the level ] "Alright, nobody panic. I have a plan."

Francis: "Well, it's pretty complicated. I don't want to bore you with a lot of the complex fractions but, step one is it we walk that way."
 * [ Upon seeing the pilot's corpse ] "Hey Zoey, here's the pilot, in case you wanna shoot him again."
 * Zoey: "He was a ZOMBIE, Francis!"


 * [ When approaching the moving van across from the warehouse's exit ] "Say. An alley."
 * [ When a horde is approaching during Crash Course ] "Here they come! Zoey, just pretend they're all helicopter pilots!"
 * Zoey: "Zombie, Francis! He. Was. A. ZOMBIE!"

[ Upon seeing the Train Wreck in-town ] "Whoa... Zoey must've shot the train conductor. Hehe..."

Zoey: "The pilot was a ZOMBIE, Francis!" / "Okay, you know what? He was a zombie. Zombie, zombie, zombie, not a pilot. He was a zombie, Francis!" Zoey: "You what?" "[Real concern] Francis, are you all right?"
 * [ At the beginning of Crash Course ] "Wow! I love helicopters! I love 'em so much..."

Francis: "Whoa, must've hit my head in the crash. I'm okay now. I hate helicopters." Zoey: "Heh, farting."
 * [ When passing large fuel tanks ] "Hey Zoey, we're passing gas!"
 * [ Passing steaming pipe ] "Hey, watch out for that goddamn steam pipe."

Zoey: "Man, I love steam."

Francis: "Yeah, steam's all right, I guess." / "I hate steam...pipes." / "Oh yeah. I love steam. I just hate the pipes."
 * [ At the large quantities of recycle bins ] "Thanks for saving the planet, recyclers. Mission accomplished."
 * [ At the beginning of Crash Course ] "Goddammit! Where'd they buy this helicopter? At the uh...uh...um...hold on."
 * Zoey: "The shitty pilot store?"
 * Francis: "Yeah. Stupid helicopter!"


 * "Hey Mr. Positive, we just CRASHED! You got something positive to say about that?"
 * Louis: "We walking away from it, ain't we?" / "That was my first time in a helicopter... It was pretty exciting."
 * Francis: Yeah, alright... I'll give you that
 * [ Alternate Line ] Louis: "Yeah, I guess so. I bet we don't see any more Witches from now on. Anyone wanna bet me?"


 * "Hey Louis. That fancy college of yours teach you how to fix a helicopter?"

Louis: "Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

Francis: "You're kidding, right?"
 * "You're still wearing that tie Louis? What? You got a meeting? Haha."
 * Louis: "Heh, that's funny, Francis. Why don't you take your mustache, your little vest, and your chaps, and go find yourself a parade!"
 * Francis: "[Grumbling] Don't see what's wrong with vests..." / "...Not even wearin' chaps..." / "I hate parades."


 * "See? I told you. Helicopter crashed. We're not saved. We're all gonna die. Pay up."
 * Louis: "Francis, why would you bet that we're doomed?"
 * Francis: "'Cuz it's money in the bank. Remind me to explain gambling to you sometime."


 * Zoey: "Okay, important safety tip: Don't get in a helicopter with a zombie pilot."

Francis: "Yeah well next time someone offers us a ride, don't shoot him." / "Or in this case, a vampire."

Zoey: "He was a zombie, Francis."
 * "This sign says 'I hate Mondays'. Man, tell me about it! Unless it's lasagna Monday. I love lasagna."
 * "I used to work for Hersch once, until some guy laughed at my little brown shorts and I beat him to death."
 * [ When seeing the Riverside sign ] "Riverside? Aww, I hate Canada." / "Oh my God, I hate Canada so much!" / "If there's one thing I hate more than vampires, it's Canada, eh!"
 * Zoey/Louis: "Canada? Francis, we're in Pennsylvania" / Zoey: "Yeah. Canadians are dicks."
 * Francis: "Man! I've been hatin' Riverside all this time for nothin'."

"Hunter! It looked Canadian." Louis: "Uh huh."
 * [ Very rarely, when seeing a Hunter or hearing a Boomer after seeing the Riverside sign without Zoey or Louis correcting him ] "I hear a Boomer! And it sounded Canadian!"
 * "Is that how helicopters are supposed to land?"

Francis: "That's what I thought."

Zoey: "Well boys, I guess we're walking." Zoey: "He turned in a zombie, Francis. He wasn't gonna land the thing."
 * "I still can't believe you shot the pilot."

Francis: "Well, I guess now we'll never know will we?" Louis: "I'd be damned, Francis! When'd you learn to read?"
 * [ Upon seeing a For Lease sign ] "For lease. Anybody got a pen? I wanna write this number down." / "For lease."

Bill: "Speak up, Francis! Your voice got all muffled from your head being so far up your ass!" / "You know who's gonna survive this mess, Francis? It ain't the fella making jokes."
 * [ When he saw the Eastern Waterworks sign ] "Waterworks. That where you pick up your crying supplies Bill? Hahahaha...I am hilarious!"

Death Toll

 * [ When entering the tunnel ] "Fantastic. A tunnel."
 * Bill: "Don't be an ass, Francis."


 * [ Noticing a sign warning of deer crossing at The Turnpike ] "Uh-oh, watch out! Deer around here."
 * [ To Church Guy ] "We're cops! Open up!"
 * "Man, I don't think that cop thing worked..."
 * "Let's see, I'm Francis, that's Grandpa Bill, and there's zombies out here! Open the goddamn door!"
 * Francis: "Have a heart, we got a helpless old man with us!"
 * Bill: "Hey!"


 * "I'm gonna tear that bell down and shove it up your ass!"
 * "Everyone but us is either a zombie or an asshole."
 * "Listen candy pants, we can make you open that goddamn door."
 * "If we live through this, I'm gonna frickin' KILL that guy!"
 * [ After Louis has stated that Riverside is a bust, and they should get to the river ]
 * Francis: "That's better than my plan."
 * Bill: "What was that?"
 * Francis: "I didn't have one."


 * [ When answering the radio in Death Toll ] "Attention boat owners! We are, uh, the cops! I command you to pick us up!"

The Greenhouse

 * "I hate planes."
 * "Let's get up that ladder!"
 * "'God is dead', huh? Well join the damn club."
 * "The whole damn city is on fire!"

The Crane

 * "Don't everybody start the crane all at once!"
 * "Our dumpster's arrived. Let's go, girls!"
 * "We oughtta get back on the rooftops."
 * "Somebody start the crane."
 * "Let's head back up."
 * "Let's head down the stairs."
 * "Safe house in that storgage place!"

The Construction Site

 * "It figures the only thing in the damn city NOT on fire is the one thing we need to burn down."
 * "Ah shit. That half a plane ain't real encouraging."
 * "HELL YES! IT'S THE AIRPORT!"
 * "We can get inside over the skybridge."
 * [ When starting the The Construction Site's Crescendo Event ] "Heh, hot shot."
 * "There' a safe house across the skybridge."

The Terminal

 * "This is the most sober I've ever been in an airport."
 * "Let's go through the offices! "
 * "We gotta get through that pile a' junk!"
 * "The sad thing is, this is only the second worst time I've ever had in an airport."

Runway Finale

 * "Hey, we're almost outta this shithole. I told you I'd get you outta here." (Captions omit the word "outta")
 * [ When plane crashes ] "Holy shit..."
 * "Get to the plane! Let's go!"

Blood Harvest

 * [ Upon seeing the first picnic table in The Woods ] "You're tellin' me people camp for fun?"
 * [ Realizes radio is just a tape rather than live ] "Goddamn tape looped piece of shit, I hate the army." / "Screw the goddamn army."
 * [ APC arrives ] "I love the army!" / "I forgive you army, I love you guys!"
 * "That is one creepy-ass house."
 * [ Seeing lawn mower massacre in basement ] "Holy shit..."
 * "You gotta be shittin' me! We walked a hundred miles to fight five million vampires!"
 * "You gotta be shittin' me! We walked a hundred miles to fight five million vampires-" Bill/Louis: "They're zombies, Francis." "Whatever, and all they have is a goddamn tape looped!? Screw the goddamn army!"
 * [ When answering the radio in Blood Harvest ] "Attention army! This is- [Clears throat] -the cops!"
 * [ Upon seeing the first building from the forest on The Bridge ] "I bet we can get to the train station from that building!"

Intro
Louis: "I'm pissed too!"
 * "Is this the Keys? Because I don't wanna live here."
 * "So this is the Florida Keys. Crazy how it looks like some shithole in the middle of nowhere."
 * "Hey Bill, I think I mighta missed the finer points of your plan. I caught all the train stuff. Something about a boat to an island paradise. But I missed the part where we're stranded in the middle of goddamn nowhere."
 * "And why don't we want any of these boats? They look cool."
 * "Holy shit! Did that truck have a head-on collision with a boat? Man, I wish I could have seen that."
 * Francis: "Man, Zoey is pissed."

         Francis: "Really? This is you pissed?"
 * "Wow, I never thought I'd say this, but I think I wanna hang out with Louis."
 * "Louis, tell Zoey I don't know what's going on."
 * "Why did we stop?"
 * "What? We're not even gonna try driving it on the ground?"
 * "Hey, I ain't the one who thought we could drive a freakin' train through the ocean!"
 * "Hey Louis, I never thought I'd say this, but I think I wanna hang out with you."
 * "Yeah! Sandy beaches, coconuts, sand... Beaches, sand... Wait a minute, I hate islands!"
 * "Don't worry, I hate boats too."
 * "I was getting tired of being cooped up. Looking forward to some walking!"

The Docks
[ Approaching traincar with Tank inside ]
 * "Do we really want to open that door? Please say no."
 * "Hey, Bill, I think there's a sailboat in the train."
 * "Okay. So, I'm not opening the door. You guys work it out and let me know when the door's open."
 * "Hey Louis, I don't think it's a tank in there. It sounds like a puppy. You should let it out."
 * "Hey, Bill. Zoey said you should open the door."
 * "Louis, you gonna open that door or what?"
 * [ When asked if he could open the door ] "No pr... Hey wait a minute!"

[ Opening train door with Tank inside ]
 * "Oh shit. There is a tank in here."
 * "Get ready with some fire."
 * "Alright, alright, I'll be the brave one."
 * "Psst. Go for the one with the tie."
 * "Hey, remember who let you outta here..."

[ Inside Tank's traincar ]
 * "Hey, Bill. Your sailboat smells like shit."
 * "God. Smells like Bill's beard in here"

The Barge
[ Safe room ]
 * [ On seeing Japanese graffiti ] Francis: "What the hell does this mean?"
 * Louis: "Let me see...uh...Taki...I love you...Goodbye."
 * Francis: "Whoa. How'd you do that?"
 * Louis: "I interned in Tokyo."
 * Francis: "Bullshit. Say "Bill's an idiot" in Japanese."
 * Louis: "Bill-san, baka desu."
 * Francis: "Nice."
 * Bill: "Oh yeah, you think thats nice Francis?"
 * Bill: "Louis say "Francis is an idiot" in Japanese."
 * Louis: "Francis, baka desu."
 * Bill: "Amazing."
 * "About to die in a brick factory? Cause I'm about to do that too. And I got to complain about shit the whole time."
 * "Louis, if you don't stop being positive, I'm gonna sink the boat just to make you sad."
 * "Hey, Louis. We been through the whole goddamn country, and it's all one big shithole. Still think it's going back to normal?"
 * "Okay. Explain to me again why we didn't take any one of the perfectly good boats we passed?"
 * "I'm still not seeing a boat. Why don't we head back and see if the train floats?"
 * "Okay, but why didn't we drive one of those boats and look for a sailboat?"

[ Climbing the gravel hill ]
 * "Shut up, you stupid birds."
 * "Nice rockpile, birds! Ha ha, hold on, do you hear a zombie?"
 * "Nesting birds, Bill! Watch your beard!"
 * "Get up this pile of crap!"
 * "Anyone wanna guess what I'm hatin' right now?"

Port Finale
[ Safe room ]
 * "I wish I was heading to a deserted island. Can we each get our own?"
 * "I hate your good feelings."
 * "Yeah, I get it, Louis. Bill gets it for chrissake, and he can't even work a flush toilet."
 * "No more vampires."
 * "Louis, you're such a nerd."
 * Francis: "Bill, I just wanna make it clear - in front of everyone - that I am against the island plan."
 * Bill: "Cut the horseshit Francis."
 * Francis: "Jesus, Bill, have you ever BEEN to an island? They're goddamn horrible."
 * Bill: "They're defensible, Francis. As far as we know, zombies can't swim."
 * Francis: "They're not the only ones..."
 * Bill: "Speak up, son."
 * Francis: "I... I hate this plan!"
 * Bill: "Noted. Let's go."
 * "The vampires want to kill us, the army wants to kill us. With our luck, Zoey probably crossed the mob. What the hell makes you think we're gonna live to see Bill's horrible goddamn island in The Keys?"
 * Francis: "Hey Louis, have I ever mentioned how I feel about islands?"
 * Louis: "Are you joking?"
 * Francis: "No, I'm being serious. I really hate islands. I have insulaphobia - I'm afraid of islands."
 * Louis: "Shit Francis, once we get there, I've got your back. I'm gonna keep an eye on the island for you."
 * Francis: "No man, it's a medical condition. Just my goddamn luck."
 * Louis: "Punk island!" / "Punk-ass island bitch! ("You better watch yourself!" / "Better watch yourself once Francis and Louis is on the case!")
 * Louis: Francis, you're ready to get to The keys and have ourselves a sea-food feast?
 * Francis: "I hate fish."
 * Louis: "Well hater, I guess you don't have to eat any then."
 * Francis: "Oh no, I like eating them. That's one of the ways I'll let fish know how much I hate them!"

[ Bridge available ]
 * "All aboard! The bridge..."
 * "Everyone to the bridge!"
 * "Get to the bridge! Get to the bridge! Come on, get to the bridge!"

[ Bridge stopped ]
 * "Goddamn it, who broke the bridge?"
 * "Do you think that generator might restart itself?"

[ When sacrificing himself ]
 * "Jesus, I'm brave."
 * "Guess I better save everybody."
 * "I hate suicide missions."
 * "Stay there! Goddamn it, I don't wanna die..."
 * "Nobody try to help me! Unless you want!"
 * "Don't move! I have a plan!"
 * "Stay there! Oh god, it shoulda been Louis."
 * "Stay there! Oh my god, I'm an idiot..."
 * "Don't try to talk me out of this! Anyone?"

[ Louis sacrifices himself ]
 * "I could have predicted that."
 * "Louis is dead."
 * "Louis little buddy, you did it!"
 * "Louis, the island won't be the same without you."
 * "Thanks Louis!"

[ Zoey sacrifices herself ]
 * "Noooo! You monsters! Take Louis instead!"
 * "Not ZOEY!"
 * "SHIT ZOEY!"
 * "I hate this!"

[ Bill sacrifices himself ]
 * "Bill! It should have been Louis! It should have been Louis!"
 * "Bill restarted the generator!"
 * "Thanks Bill, I owe you one. You old bastard..."
 * "Bill, you did it, buddy! You really did it!"

The Passing

 * [ In The Passing promo ad. In response to Rochelle saying she hates stairs ] "Oh my God! You hate stuff too?"
 * [ In The Passing promo ad. In response to Rochelle saying she hates Fancis's vest ] "What now? Ugh, I dont think this is gonna work out."

Intro

 * [ When asked to lower the bridge ] "I don't know. We lost a good man trying to get this bridge up. I don't feel right about putting it back down."
 * [ In response to Nick asking to lower the bridge ] "Go to Hell, suit."
 * "Bite me, Colonel Sanders."
 * "Hey! Nice ride!"
 * "Generator's out. Get to the other side and we'll help you get this thing down!"
 * "You down there, be calm. We're cops."
 * "Is there any four of you who isn't an asshole?"
 * "Look, I don't love this bridge. But we just lost a man and… Sorry brother, but you are on your own."
 * "Brother, I don't love this bridge, but right now we just lost a man and got a man down. Sorry, you are on your own."
 * "Hello, Rochelle. A beautiful name for a beautiful lady. This your dad?"
 * "Rochelle, you and your dad need to get down there and fill up the generator. Do that and we can lower the bridge."
 * "Yeah, that's Louis. I wouldn't get too attached to him, he'll probably be dead soon. I'm Francis."
 * "If you want to keep going this way, you gonna have to walk to the other side of this bridge, and then me and some ugh other cops up here can help you lower the bridge."

The Port

 * "Man nice ride! Is that really Jimmy Gibbs's car?"
 * Ellis: "You got that right!"
 * Francis: "How she handle?"
 * Ellis: "Pulls a little to the left."
 * Francis: "[Laughs] Honestly, I'm more of a bike man myself."
 * Ellis: "Really? Yeah what you riding now?"
 * Zoey: "Hey, car guys! Now's not the time! We got a bridge to lower."


 * "Hey sweet ride"
 * Ellis: "Yeah, she belonged to a little someone called Jimmy Gibbs Jr."
 * Francis: "No kidding! You mean this car belonged to the Taco Dog!?"
 * Ellis: "Hehe, yeah- wait...what? Jimmy Gibbs Jr. was a LEGEND."
 * Francis: "Yeah, that dog made some really good tacos."

Nick: "Thats funny...because I knew YOUR lazy ass would still be here." Francis: "Yeah well....at least I dont have a turd on my suit". Nick: "...I put it there".
 * "Hey! Alright. While you guys were gone, I came up with a plan. To do this quicker, we should break up into teams. Guys, you're shirts. Everybody else, skins...Now let's go!"
 * [ Attempting to compliment Rochelle ] "Hey Rochelle. De-peck Mode. I love that guy!"
 * "Sure, I'll help *YOU*."
 * Francis: "Hey! I didn't think a fancy ass like you would survive something like that."
 * "WITCH! Oh sorry, got confused by all your crying."
 * "Cry your way over to the elevator and then sob your way down to the generator, fill it up with your tears and we'll take care of the rest."
 * "Take the elevator down to the generator. Don't cry on it though, it's electrical!"

Ending

 * Zoey: "Man, I'm gonna miss Ellis."
 * Francis: "Yeah, me too!"


 * [Spoken two different ways] "Don't just stand there, haul ass!"
 * "Hey Ellis! I hate your hat, haha!"
 * "Y'know, they were alright."
 * "I love that car."
 * "Look at that car go!"
 * "Nick! Good luck, my brother."
 * "Goodbye Ro! Ugh... My lovely little angel."
 * "Bye Ro... I love you!" (May alternately sob 'I love you' soon after.)
 * "I hate goodbyes."
 * "I really am a cop, y'know!"

Friendly Fire

 * "Hey! Stop. Shooting. Me."
 * "Quit Freakin' Shooting Me!"
 * "Damnit! Would you knock it off?"
 * "Don't shoot me!"
 * "...Do I look like a target?!"
 * "Watch where you're shooting!"
 * "Watch where you point that thing."
 * "Watch where the hell you're shooting!"
 * "Do that again, and you're gonna be firing that thing out of your ass!"
 * "Shoot me again, and I'm gonna kick your ass!"
 * "That. Hurt!"
 * "Ya know? I would appreciate it if you'd stop shooting me!"
 * "Monsters all over the damn place and you gotta shoot me?!"
 * "Bullshit"

[ Cut ]
 * "Who the hell just shot me?"
 * "Hey, who just shot me?"
 * "Who the hell shot me AGAIN?"

[ When shot by Bill ]
 * "OW! You havin' some kind of flash back, old man?"
 * "Bill, quit shooting me!"
 * "Nice shot Bill, that was my ass!"
 * "Watch yer fire, old man."
 * [When shot by Zoey ] "Knock it off, Zoey!"
 * "Zoey! Stop shotting me!"
 * [When shot by Louis] "Ow. Louis!"
 * "Louisss!"
 * "Louis. Stop shooting me!"

Cut lines
There are some unused lines that can only be found in the game's caption document.
 * "Louis, try not to blow up the helicopter..."
 * "I already pressed the damn button."
 * "Yeah, it'll probably come quicker if ya keep pressin it."
 * "So, how's yer beard holdin' up, Bill?"
 * "Hit the button!"
 * "Hey jackass, I already pressed the damn button."


 * "Listen, the government's got a hate-free zone up north... I'm kidding, the military's got a stronghold up there and they're killing anything that walks funny. Railroad tracks should take us right there."
 * "I knew that idiot couldn't fly a plane. Everybody in one piece?"
 * "Is Arnold in there?"
 * "Never mind, I forgot, you guys are like 10 years old. 'Cept you, Bill."
 * "Yo, you in the monkey suit, hit the power."
 * "GodDAMN I hate electric fences."
 * "Nice, they electrified the fence."
 * "Louis, what's scarier: Zombies or goin' back to work in an office?"
 * "Bet you kids cross shit like this for fun."
 * "There's a safe house back here!"
 * "Nice day for a picnic."
 * "Bridge's out. Terrific."
 * "Maintenance corridor up here!"
 * "These things are a real frickin' maze. I hate mazes."
 * "Hey Poindexter, hit the power."
 * "Watch out for that fence."
 * "Woah, fried."
 * "Start the engine."
 * "Hey, unhook that car."
 * "Get that thing moving!"
 * "Track's blocked again. Looks like they curve around that hill."
 * "Let's get our asses over the hill."
 * "Someone get the gate."
 * "Open the gate!"
 * "Across the bridge. GO!"
 * "That's some fire power!"
 * "Well, I'm callin' em, this is it."
 * "Somethin's not right..."
 * "What's this shit?"
 * "I don't like this..."
 * "These guys better not take long. I've had it."
 * "Fried zombies..."
 * "Hey, fried zombies... Tasty."
 * "You got a better plan?"


 * "You really made that crane your bitch, Zoey."
 * "Sir, Terry's dead. And we're cops."
 * "Listen asshole, I can fly the plane!"
 * "Terry didn't make it, pal."
 * "Let's head through this grow room."
 * "Nice crane technique, Louis!"
 * "Well, we're here, we may as well look for a plane."
 * "We need to get downstairs."
 * "Big pile o' luggage. Lotta good it did em."
 * "Maybe your belt buckle set that off.
 * "Get outta the damn metal detector!"
 * "Why would the army bomb the airport?"
 * "We need to be on the other side of that pile o' crap."
 * "What do you mean it's just like the army?"
 * "You think my belt buckle set it off?"
 * "Here's a crazy idea: What if we send the van into that pile of junk?"
 * "Holy shit... That wasn't our plane, was it?"
 * "I'm a little scared of flyin' now."
 * "What's the chance that'll happen twice in a row?"
 * "Jesus, it looks like a bomb went off here. A few bombs."
 * "*That* plane looks okay."
 * "What the hell happened to this place?"
 * "Somebody really blew this place to hell..."
 * "Don't make me come over there and open up a can of whoopass."
 * "You just make sure the damn thing is ready to fly."


 * "I don't HATE bats, but I do not like them."
 * "Gunfire! Somebody's still alive in Riverside!"
 * "Sorry lady, we're takin' yer husband's offer."
 * "If we find a way to the surface, we can get to Riverside."
 * "Watch out for bats!"
 * "Come on, this tunnel is a little creepy."
 * "Ew. I hate caca."
 * "Riverside's to our right."
 * "I hate vomit."
 * "I love my vest."
 * "Hey - not on the vest!"
 * "Who are you?"
 * "So long, Riverside."


 * "THAT, my friends, is a shitload of zombies."
 * "THAT is a lot of vampires."
 * "Somebody's coming to take us outta here. The good news is we got time for one last blow out before they arrive."
 * "Get inside! Free beer in here!"
 * "Thanks for killin' our only woman."
 * "Man, even for vampires these things haul ass."
 * "Look, all I know is these are some messed up vampires."
 * "Jesus Christ. That's the sound of you NOT complaining?"
 * "Come to daddy."
 * "You're right, these things shamble around and eat people. Oh no, wait, they don't, because THEY'RE VAMPIRES."
 * "If figured the world'd eventually end. I just never thought it'd be vampires."
 * "Nice job there, Van Helsing."
 * "Nice shot! For a girl, Louis."
 * "Forty years ago you woulda been, what, a hundred?"
 * "If you survive, maybe God's tryin' to tell ya something."
 * "Hey mr. train conductor, did zoey shoot you?"
 * "Mr. Positive, you got anything POSITIVE? We just CRASHED in hell!"
 * "Zoey? you shot the helicopter pilot!"
 * Zoey: Francis, HE WAS A ZOMBIE!
 * Francis: Who cares? Not me!